*99* Kind of Holiday Diary

hmm.. from where to start..

These are the holiday(s) of the first 10 of ZulHijjah before Eidul Adha, already 7 days have passed, today is the 8th (Saturday the 12th of October, 2013)

I'm not going to write anything related to these blessed days, rather than documenting some random thoughts I want to save, maybe I'll need it later maybe not.

This semester my weekend is on Thursday and Friday, and since Saturday is for GP and we didn't make any progress yet, so we can say I'm off college since last Wednesday 12:30 pm (and that's when I last saw you..)

What made me want to go for documentation is that This kind-of-long holiday shall witness the experience of getting away from some addictions (as i consider them), like social networks and their magnetic fields! Also this would be a test whether i can have a sudden cut in certain relationships or not (well, i don't think it's a matter of can or cannot rather than a matter of "what's the effect of going away for sometime on me?")

And since I can't take anything but slow, and since I want really to do this right, keep it as a reminder for my life -if I was meant to have any longer time on this earth- and since I have no choice but to win the challenge I put, I'll use this chance the best I can. (p.s. I never lost a challenge, but to challenge a challenger.. that's exciting ;) )
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Day 1: Saturday the 12th of October, 2013
Started around 1 a.m.

State: Normal, except that I know It's not
Steps Taken: Checking social networks for minutes, checking important news, downloading college files, and no interaction. Started to check simulation Lectures. (It's boring, you know, I missed the power hours and those exams days =))
Feeling: Not sure, but I'm happy for having a chance to take this break i badly needed, I feel bored though.
Thought: I want to document this day by day, if it's the same so that would be great, means it's safe, other wise I'm not sure I'm going to like it or even can deal with it.
Concern: Will we really make it?
Wish: I truly wish we can get back on track, to the path we chose, to the destiny we set, however hard was that, we did it once, and we know we can make it, again.
Message: I don't want to miss you, but I think I will, I hope not, I'm not there yet.. whatever
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Day 2: Sunday the 13th of October, 2013
Just started

State: Trying to have a new day
Steps Taken: Nothing till the moment I'm writing in. All there is that I didn't want to go trough the process of traveling abroad, but whether i liked or not i did, and this wasted like the half of the day. Managing to get my new laptop so as to make any progress with tasks and studying. I checked also into facebook today and made a post.
Feeling: Not really good, I hated my attitude today, and hated everything just took place, however i know it's all written for reasons. (My only good moment when i checked the mails today =))
Thought: (1) I missed the funeral, I hated to waste my day on an unlikely process, everything almost got my nerve that I stopped answering anyone except for needed couple of words or actions taken, Why can't I just skip this town?
(2) About facebook, once i checked into it today, my head screamed "Get me out of here NOW!" I can't take this killing contradiction of people's statuses and posts anymore!
(3) checking the funeral photos today.. ماذا كان بينك و بين الله يا بلال =']
Concern: Regardless all the life stuff and logical reasons, but truly if i was meant to make it today to the funeral, I'd have made it, I just wasn't meant to be there, yet.. I don't deserve to be there..
Wish: As Yesterday >> I truly wish we can get back on track, to the path we chose, to the destiny we set, however hard was that, we did it once, and we know we can make it, again.
Message: I dreamed of you, but can't really remember what exactly, and you were on my mind like the whole day! Stay Strong (as you always are). I need your prayers
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Day 3: Monday the 14th of October, 2013 (وقفة عرفة)
Started 12:00 am : )

State: a bit excited
Steps Taken: started to disconnect from social networks better than before (though i had to congratulate people for eid) and started really to connect to reality. Since 3 years i stopped phone calling friends to congratulate them for eid and ramadan, not for anything but for getting too busy to call everyone, today I made sure I'm back to my best friends and the old habits :) I spent pretty time with the family, grandparents and auntie, also i achieved a small goal that aligns with the change plan :) (Though being a happy thing, talking to you was like breaking a rule i didnt want to break, i didnt want you to break it too)
Feeling: hmm.. the guilty, happy, worried, excited, weird mode, that's how the day started, but i loved today with all things achieved, however little or small they are. I'm happy :)
Thought: Shall i make some calls to congratulate some certain people about eid? .. I checked my phone book and I.. tried to pass some names so quickly, however they'll always be taking some of our lives away.. with them.
Concern: I am not really satisfied about the studying part. (I'm concerned too about our last talk.. I'm afraid, and i have nothing but to pray)
Wish: Tomorrow be truly "Eid" a day that returns happiness and joy to everyone, brings victory to This Ummah, brings blesses, mercy and forgiveness to our souls. I wish for many many things that i couldn't mention in it all in Today's prayers, but I tried to anyway :)
Message: No matter how long we talk, there are always a lot i wish i can tell but just can't, after the last talk i started to consider some old things that i intentionally ignored once, however I still don't want to reach what it lead me to.. if only you talk, directly, things would be much easier, but that's in my dreams i know! #Whatever Enjoy Eid :)
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Day 4: Tuesday the 15th of October, 2013 (أول أيام عيد الأضحى المبارك)
Started @ Fajr Time

State: At My best.. It's My Special Lovely Day :)
Steps Taken: Meeting my school friends after waking them up, is just EID :D that's how it's been always going :)) Calling the rest of my best friends and neighbours, makes it EID as the good old days :)) (Seeing you, hmm.. goes negatively with  the whole plan, though it made me feel home)
Feeling: I love the quick development of reconnecting back to my old world and the old me :)
Thought: somehow, eyes don't meet, somehow they lose connection. hmm.. they never had it anyway
Concern: I addicted being around? It just feels so home, but it shouldn't keep going that way..
Wish: to get things stable soon as i need them to be 
Message: help me please to get out of this, it's too vague to hold on
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Day 5: Wednesday the 16th of October, 2013
Started before Fajr

State: I want to end this day before it's even getting started
Steps Taken: I'm away right? I'm progressing, somehow, lessening connections, and now losing them coldly, perfect, somehow!
Feeling: It's way down depressing. I hate being back to distractions and i hate the contradictions between what i want and what i need.
Thought: (1) who took me away out of my comfort zone!
(2) addiction is addiction, and to get free it costs, i think the unstable emotions cost is one of the worst, yet a must-happen, getting away from people, that's a double-weapon thing too.
(3) I need to fill the study gap.
(4) for depression times, chocolate is really good but chocolate cakes are just great!
Concern: how long would it take to get back to the safe area?
Wish: having control back before i get totally insane
Message: ...

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Day 6: Thursday, the 17th of October, 2013

Started Late after around 14 hours sleeping

State: All what i can say, that it was hard enough

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Day 7: Friday, the 18th of October, 2013

Started 12:00 am

State: hard then with keeping the push it turns almost normal

Steps Taken: I controlled writing down when i badly needed to, I kept my fingers away from the keyboard, mobile, and even papers! and i didn't talk about it of course, and here when the tipping point took place!

Feeling: much better

Thought: not writing yesterday was really good, controlling some stuff not to be out at once makes a total tipping point for modes and psychological inner state, it's like you push when you think it's your best, then yourself surprises you that it's not your dead end yet and turns to be just perfect after crossing this comfort zone, i forgot what this state is called but it has kind of a name

Concern: what's next?

Wish: you are okay

Message: ... 

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Day 8: Saturday, the 19th of October, 2013

It was almost a two-running day

State: better, and by night it was just awesome

Steps Taken: I can admit some rules are broken, yet it was helping facing the whole thing, indirectly directly!

Feeling: much better.. hmm.. i felt asleep out of an inner peace of happiness which rarely happens

Thought: It's complicated that it took me two days late to write it down, seriously thinking to get in the GP that converts mind signals into texts so as i can read your mind :) it's been always a dream to read minds and being invisible, so let's achieve one at least! :D
On the other side, I still don't want to completely be aware of what i think is true, it doesn't make sense, does it? we are mental-wise thinkers more than heart-wise and so we know deeply if we took things that way it won't work, we know us and know our fears, we know it's a disaster types of character match, however perfect friendship it makes, and i know you know, so what's the so complicated? Moreover, we already had stuff, i mean, looking on what put us here now was a totally different thing, i was a matcher =D not anything else, and I won't bear losing a friend for friend... a lot of thoughts filling the pot on both sides, and i'm still ignoring totally yours, if u weren't that over-thinker smart one i'd get things as it seems to be, but looking deep in you it let me think with lots of views about every word that i reach no end at last, maybe it's the thing brought me to think that way is "ignoring", maybe you meant a totally different thing and it's all upside down there, i can't be sure of anything that's what freaks me out honestly! that I don't know

Concern: why am I here, things where easy when that door was shut, i bet you had a better life before getting into this. I'd be always sorry till things get right 

Wish: Ya Allah, you're the All-Knowing One, help us fix it out.

Message: The deal is on in all circumstances :)

*17* Baking The Words

"Write, Write and Write" Some words I've heard from one of my friends sometime ago.

First I've felt like "This sounds weird! Write, Write and Write ... Am I Baking?!" It sounded as if I was going to stir some dough and keep stirring and stirring... etc.. ! 

Honest Speaking, this sentence has changed a lot in my life!

Healing Writings let me wonder how blessed am I! I write again and again, and every time it feels great and almost heals.

As I said before, writing in itself doesn't heal, but it is an element of some elements only their presence will lead to amazing results. Elements like the reason you are writing for, the output you get after finishing, the messages you pass to readers and life lessons you share. Those are what really heal.

One of the effective reasons that let writing heals is that the more you write, the more squeezes you get rid of and the more time you consume in writing, the more negative charges you lose. 

So we can say that:

Writings Amount is inversely proportional with Squeezes(Burdens, Worries, Pressure,, ... etc.)

  Time of Writing is inversely proportional with Negative Feelings(Anger, Hurt, Fear,  ... etc.)

One of the very important elements is "Using the Right Expressions" that can express your feelings and thoughts well, and this element is considered the hardest of all; as it always comes with experience and tries.

With some encouragement, I've started writing, and since then I realized how much writing is a grace, how it can really heal, and how it develops by time which let you express better and heal faster :)

Writing is not for specific people. You mustn't be talented to write! All what you shall do is typing what you think of, your own thoughts and points of views, your feelings and reactions towards things, just capture your mind thinking and start writing the thoughts down.

If You Can Think, You Can Talk and so, You Can Write :) 

So Don't Miss This Chance of Healing :) and Who knows! Maybe by the time your writing style gets a special shape that many people will love it, not only those who already will admire it because they think alike ;) And Let's Write, Write and Write and officially create our own special bakes ;)

N.B. "The best time for planning a book is while you're doing the dishes." ~Agatha Christie ! :D

*16* A Call

Almighty Allah The Great The Generous The Patient The Merciful The Forgiver and Graces & Blessings Giver

Oh Mighty Allah, this is a call from your weak slave; the one who had mistaken a lot and afraid YOUR sanction. I used to know since young age how blessed I am, and I've always thanked YOU but never enough or even much relatively with YOUR uncountable graces, and if I did nothing with my life but praying and thanking YOU, it won't be enough for one grace.

Oh Mighty Allah, with all my hurt and between all the tears YOU only can see,  I'm calling YOU, praying for YOU, asking YOU for help. Almighty Allah; The Only ONE who answers the prayers of HIS slaves, PLEASE Answer my prayers, Accept it and Let it come true. YOU are the Only ONE who Can change things in an eye blink and less.

Oh Mighty Allah; My Life Guide and Prayers Acceptor. I Thank YOU for enlightening my sight every time I veer away from the right track. I Thank YOU for punishing me in my life and letting me able to analyse it, learn from it and go back to YOUR track. I Thank YOU for the grace that many people are missing; the recognition of your punishment during Life time and questioning why that happened, what did I do wrong? and then with YOUR Help and Generosity YOU Let me see my faults and ask YOU for YOUR Forgiveness.

Oh Mighty Allah, Accept my prayers for the one I always pray YOU for. YA ALLAH YOU are the Only ONE who KNOWS it All. Sooner or Later YOU will remove the Mist away from Your Slave's Eyes, but PLEASE Let it be without Harm. YOU Know that I was Blind as YOUR Slave now, and it needs a hard lesson to learn to discover the presence of that mist, but PLEASE Let it be fast and harmless, PLEASE Allah, I Forgive, so Let it be As soon as it could be without the hard method I saw and YOUR slave might see.

YA Allah, I lost my love to those who warned me, even their Love will stay guiding me forever, but it's because YOUR mercy upon me that let it be a blood Love and Care and  it's not the same here, it's not the same. I'm afraid I'd give Up praying for YOUR Slave, so please don't let me give up, don't let me lose my ability to forgive those I love, and let me be able again to love those who truly love me. PLEASE ALLAH extend my life time till I can apologise with deeds to those who I had mistaken in their rights while being unconscious, and fasten YOUR removal for that hard mist from YOUR Slaves's sight and Let it be safe PLEASE.

YA ALLAH, Send YOUR Peace and Blessings on The Final Prophet, and His Family and Companions and those who follow him. All Thanks Go TO YOU