*10* #SelfTalk : A Queen's drop

Lately I'm feeling like there's somewhat somewhere something going wrong. 

When I decided to create this blog I thought I'd be writing everything on mind, everything bothering me and so getting rid of all worries "like Dumbledore's well where he stores his thoughts". Maybe one of the strongest motives was one of my friends writings. Her writings are adorable as it just can describe my thoughts and states the best. It's amazing every time I find a piece of writing that I shall give a big cry after it "This is what I am at right now" "You speak my mind". I became so excited, but -as a writer, I know that it doesn't heal. Only writing heals the writers not the readers. And Not every writing heals, only honest writings; those fresh words coming directly out of mind without passing through any filtration process nor any evaluation process.  Honest words, Direct words, Truthful words that carry the whole Truth not a part of it. This is called "Healing Writings". 

Although, it's not healing all the way. I don't write every thought. I don't document every feeling. I don't catch my emotions at the right moments and send it directly to my thoughts well "My Soul Breeze". I don't know even why. It may be a matter of getting used to writing, may be I am not good at it and maybe -and that's what I strongly recommend- I'm not that type of people who threw all what's inside outside.

 Sometimes things are so special that it can't be said. Sometimes things are too superior to be just translated from "emotions" state to "words" state, and Sometimes things are too private to be even known to my own papers, as if my mind is jealous that my papers would hold his own feelings and thoughts, and more and more jealous that may someone someday would pass by and have a look on them. The worst thing my mind is afraid of, is that his so precious feelings and thoughts would be one day considered as "A drop in an ocean" or a common thing; something is counted but doesn't count, which is not true. It has never been, is, will be any common! 

It's different and in my own beliefs it is Unique. It's unique comparing to all surroundings' lives, cultures at this time of this world we're living in. Some people will say "Well, everyone thinks himself different" but I say "NO". Some others will say with belief "Of course everyone is unique" and I will say "Okay, but No too. That is not what I mean". People, it's a matter of being non-ordinary! And If I would scream with it, it would be like writing it, which is wasting thoughts! Yes, I believe that sometimes when I document things is like lessen from its precious value. I know that many people will not agree with this point, but it is my belief anyway and I am free with it. Moreover, writing doesn't heal in itself. It's a temporal element of those complete elements that only when being available all together they heal.  (Personal Theory)

Besides, since writing is a part of the writer's character, so it's a part of me which is so complicated! 

I'm a perfectionist girl who cares about the very small details as the big ones. I believe that when I write, so those writings must be Meaningful, carrying a lesson or a message to the readers, or otherwise why am I writing? It will be like I'm wasting my time and effort on writing meaningless words and not only this, but I'm wasting my readers' time too. 

Even when I write poems -those poems I only write because I feel like writing and they totally come out of strong feelings, whether happy or sad- I find myself at the end of each poem like I'm stuck! I should end it with a message to the reader, so that to satisfy my inner voice that is loudly saying "This should be useful not just words" and I do it, however I don't feel comfortable. The messages are mostly out of the context of what I feel then, but the voice inside me -the voice of mind- overcomes each time the voice of heart, which turns the end to  objective lessons or messages. 

So Here I am, finding writing -which is a part of me- complicated! If I passed all what's on mind to the papers, concerning that part of squeezes, so writings will be just wasteful, lessening from my precious thoughts' values and at the end they will not completely heal me. On the other side, If I kept writing with filtration processes that are so many and behind an ordinary eye can see, I wouldn't be making anything new and this blog -or in another way this place I've decided creating to be a part of my life- would be just another copy and will lose its main feature. 

When I came at this point, I wondered, how I wrote all those things while I didn't plan to. It was just because of one thought I have and afraid to be like a word that counted but not counts on papers:

"I'm a Queen. I am born with a royal soul, proud character and noble thoughts. 

I am common to the unique and unique to the common. 

Being me, saving my own features that Allah has created just in me, is what gives me power. 

If you reached that Semitic level where you can understand and deal with Queens' nature, just then you will doubtless be able to understand my character that seems complicated only to the public."