I've passed with a moment of mess; complete mess. I tried to concentrate, but I failed then. Each try failure gets me in a much worse case than the moment before it. As I failed to concentrated, as the thoughts began to merge in a complicated way. I started to get pressured and stuffy. I got down to tears. I cried hard; I needed to discharge that negative suppression that decided suddenly paying me an unwelcome visit! Unfortunately it didn't work.
I've tried to reach you, but I failed. It drove me deeper down. I needed someone to calm me down, let me feel home, tell me that everything is okay; someone I can trust. I needed Support. I needed to talk, to vent out with all worries. It was hard, really hard, finding someone I trust with high percentage. Those on the top are rare; just counted on one hand fingers. And it's not a must that those you trust, you will find all the way getting you the way you need to be gotten. It's not a must that they will be understanding and supporting the right way that you need at this time specificity.
So It was Only You...
The One who promised me not to ever let me down.
The One who promised to be the friend I need.
The One I'd find whenever I became in need.
The One who knows how to handle me the best in my worst cases, and how to draw a true smile in the hardest times.
Most importantly, it was You who I trust the most. You who let me down last night when I called for help.
I had a lot to say then, but just remembering your facial expressions you used to have in the last weeks, the way you talk and the replies you give, were enough to stop me from going on. Asking me "How can I help?!" in itself is enough to let me step back. It hurts me to say that "You became a stranger to me"
Don't talk to me in English
Don't talk to me Formal
This is far away from being comfortable
In normal cases, I needn't say what you shall say or shall not, I needn't even talk too much; knowing that I was down and need you was enough, because you perfectly know how to handle me then. This can't be normal.
This can't be the one who taught me all about Venus and Mars, taught me that there are differences should be respected, and only those who can take care of details can perfectly deal with others and lessen many problems or maybe -from the beginning- avoid it. That can't be the one who stood by my side in the dark times, motivated me when control is lost, believed in me and showed support more than anyone else including my parents.
I admit I wasn't that smart student who quickly learns her lessons and avoid doubling and tripling mistakes,maybe more, but You still my teacher; the one who inspire me the most & never gave up on me however my mistakes were.
I admit too that you had hard times. You passed with things can bend the steal, and you needed your space; enough space to be back better. I'm afraid that was bitter not better. Every time I was asked why he turned to be like that, I answer that you have the total right to take your time after all what you've passed by. I defended you, however I didn't like the state. I needed you back as soon as it could be. I avoided burdening you with questions as much as I could. I avoided even calling for help at many other times, but this one was critical.
Yesterday, I just needed you to be you; the one I knew. I needed you to get me to a comfort zone and then I'd have said it all; everything that worries me, because just talking with you is like keeping a secret safe in a deep well that no one can reach it. I wish I could tell you then "hey! I'm not a Mars-ian." I don't need direct solutions, because -as you know- I'm the best to solve my problems.
All what I wanted then is... To feel okay, To have a shoulder to rest on my head in hard times, To find my friend aside;
To find You.
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