*43* How "20" feels like..

It's past 12 a.m.
okay, fine, It's my .. 20th .. birthday..
although i've used to celebrate this day during my whole life with cheerful spirit, till we stopped celebrating some past years.. and although last year my friends made me my best birthday i'd never ever forget, and i was over the moon..

This year, I feel that the sadness and sorrow have found their ways to me.
It's not a happy thing to become 20, believe me!

I don't belong to those who celebrate their ages as if it's a holly thing, or those who when reaches specific age start the general depression state, but .. please try to get my point when i say that i ended my teenage!

Not only but, the question i do really ask is..

Did i deserve to live those twenty years?

and..

Do i deserve to live more?

I honestly don't think the answer of any of the above is "yes".. but what can i say but..

اللهم اجعل الحياة زيادة لي في كل خير و اجعل الموت راحة لي من كل شر