*6* #SelfTalk : Just Venting..

I'm not feeling like I want to do anything, even "doing nothing" is a thing that I don't want to do. I'm not into writing actually, but it's not about writing, it's about what I feel now, that are so weird in my point of view. And as long as I have things on mind, so I will write! 

Hmm, I don't know actually from where exactly this mood begins, but I can say that, it includes "boredom" in its early stage, some kind of "revulsion" feeling, some kind of "huff", some kind of "I don't want to hear a word near by", and a state that everything around seems to be an extra load that gets me nervous and sick however what it is.

And for sure I'm not any happy, or feeling any excited. "I lose excitement for everything" in another way. So I stay in my place doing nothing at all, nothing useful, and if it gets worst it becomes harm and unacceptable, out of an awful attitude! I can't accept it however it comes out of me! 

And I rarely can write, I prefer watching films to writing at this state, however I'm writing right now! And by the way I hate tragedy! And this mood makes me feel like "I have enough" as if I'm a Drama Queen! So no, no tragedy, best suits me are Teens films, social-romance & comedy-romance. This seems also weird! As I never loved romance films, they seem like.. sick! Not all of them, but old ones really get me sick, but now, well, I love it to some level, if not over limits and doesn't carry that exaggeration touch of Hollywood! 

Okay, I've just watched one of those family-type films, and it seems good, however the story is worse than  to be written by a Primary Kid, but whatever. I'm still not feeling good, or at least in that mood I should be having after that film. Usually after watching a good film, during this mood, specially I'm in bed, is to get under the blankets and have sweet dreams, hoping I'll get up morning with a good fresh mood! 

But, I'm not into sleeping too. I'm afraid to think about the reasons that I may find the true ones which would never drive me any good place. I don't want to discover that it's you again! Not again! Not after all what I've suffered and passed by! No after days and days that I consider the worst I've ever passed by! Not after All, I come and remember You! Well.. Did I forget you in the first place?! How come!

But Yes, It's you, in a way or another, and you know what? The worst fact is that you bring everything to me! Joy and fun and the worst memories too! And I wonder, strongly wonder, how you still have the ability to make me that happy!! People make me laugh maybe, but it's quick rare fake ones! But sometimes you just say nothing at all, or say many unrelated things, and sometimes you say stories that you've told me about earlier, and it makes me happy, deeply truly happy though! Just because you are who you are!

And It makes me happy just seeing the smile in your eyes, not that fake one everyone believes in! No, I know it when your smile is pure, when it's coming out of satisfaction and true happiness, and when it comes out just to cover your real mood, or when sometimes you decide to forget about your worries and give out a smile. They are all smiles, but I can see them all, on their true faces, and I still wonder...! Why is this happening to me? 

Oh God, this is .. I don't know .. I don't want to complain or say it's too much, but I can't keep going alive with those moments I can't control! with those feelings I don't know where did they come from neither where they'll leave me and my life alone! 

Almighty, Guide me to your way, let me happy and satisfy. Bless me, my work, health and prayers. Let my wish come true, I'll never stop praying, never going to give up praying for it, asking You Allah to let it come true, send it to me with Life and Afterlife Blisses. Amen.

*5* Vague But Strong

On Saturday, the 3^rd of September 2011 at 10:20 PM 

I've written those words..
--

"Once Upon a time I had a friend..."

What a sentence! It brings me back to many memories, many interrupted ones in fact. 
It brings me pain and sometimes passing-by smiles. I don't know really how I shall act.
It makes me feel as it's an inspirational sentence, warm words but deep killing 

It deceives me saying "come on write a poem, article or a song” or get a wing

Can’t you fly? Can’t you sing? Can’t you imagine or search for a link? 

--

After this with three days I've written my note "A Friend's Censure" =))

http://small-pharaoh.blogspot.com/2011/09/friends-censure-you-cant-be-real.html

When I recall those thoughts, I wonder how an incomplete sentence can be the start of a whole Thing? Like a step can lead you to a very far non expectable places..

Both are Vague, But Strong! 

--

Sunday, the 27th of November, 2011

11:40 AM

*4* #SelfTalk : Beyond Complication

I wonder..

We go beyond similarities when it comes to souls, it's amazing the way we feel towards the same things and actions, even towards specific people. It's way far than a mind can believe, than twins can have in common, even far away than any special cases have contradicted logic. 

We, ourselves, can't believe that it's happening! Sometimes I doubt, I say "There must be something wrong", but when I recall memories back, when I search deep into myself, my emotions and reactions, I find it's true, As long as I have what is considered to be Real Madness!

 Sometimes I ask myself "Are we both beyond craziness, that we both seek the same diamond? or dream for winning it one day? and there is no any face of competition that in our human being world turns sometimes to hatred?" Just then my head goes crazy! 

We both know it's just one of a kind, we give it what it takes to save it, however our passion for having it in a hand changes from time to time. Sometimes I can't understand the situation, I ask myself if there's some selfishness found somewhere? Is there any negative feelings found? or anything I may hate to receive from the other side? Each time I ask and doubt, I go back and check "me" and every time I just find pure feelings, positive passion, true love, and the same Dream! Same Dream that can't go for two, it can go for one or none! 

And The Loop just goes on, and my head goes mad as I ask and wonder... God This can't be true but It is happening though!  

After many and many times, I just decided to let go of all those thoughts, I'll just consider it not found from basis, I'll just live it as it takes, and would keep my passion for that Diamond secretly, between "me" and God =) 

As Sometimes we are not meant to know how things work, as it's Beyond .. Beyond Complication 

*3* #SelfTalk : Back in an Eye Blink

Yaaah! What a feeling when "Being Back" is really "BACK" not just "back"!

When the Goodbyes hold a real smile, not fake.

When the scenes are recalled by the word, the smile, on way home, as it's ever used to be :) and having an extra smile drawn, as recalling what have been just lived, heard and seen.

How can I describe such feeling of "Being Home"? "Feeling Safe"? however if you're standing in an area with thousands of people, just because you know you're not alone, you have what used to let you feel like being home, like having the only safe cave.

When you suddenly find an unpredictable strong hand pulling your arm aside, to let you avoid something way harming or dangerous, and when the situation is over, you just stop, stare and wonder .. "What has just happened?" and you find nothing but "An unpredictable reaction, for a sudden action, coming out of fear and care", just then I've realized how I'm blessed .. and yes .. I'm home again :) however it harmed my arm a bit :D but I didn't comment, what should I have said?! Actions were louder than words then :)

True Inner Peace .. was about to get lost.

But today, it was strongly back as it's at its utmost =)

Thank You My Lord, the one I ever had & will have full faith in.

Everything is over, as if it was in an Eye Blink :)

--
Thursday, the 24th of November, 2011
At 10 P.M., in one of my home block streets, written on a car trunk :D
--
Back From my 3rd day at Tahrir Square (Nov. Revolution), on my way home.

*2* #SelfTalk : ...

I have no starting or ending points
I'm just documenting what I had as real once

I've passed with moments I've never lived before
I've sit with myself for the first time in my life and opened the door

I've took a side and faced myself..

"What's wrong with you?!
What's the hell are you doing?!
We're used to love people secretly
Care about others indirectly
so what's going on now?
and for whom we shall change?

Wake Up! Never change!
It's you, it's me, lock satin in a hell cave"

And since then, I think I was back, me again
I sent my apologies for what I've been
I was a hell naive .. not brave

I never minded for a while, and it turned to be many times..
I said "It's me", but it never was
I'm pretty good with my own caves

And It's all since I knew you .. since the first look, as if it was true
No .. No .. Never was, never going to be True

--
Friday, the 18th of November, 2011
around 2:00 A.M.

*1* Once in a life Time

At Late winter nights

or in a hot summer day

between the book shelves

or in a crowded streets

holding papers, documenting moments

avoiding the cold, wrapped up in jackets

on a presenting floor, in the streets collecting wastes, 

having videos, attending conferences, chatting, studying, eating bakes 

having some pink roses, as far as our memories can take

We shared Dreams, we shared moments 

that meant to be memorable

meant to be once in a life time.
--

Don't you see? 

You can't be one of us, you can't be

You can't say "hello" to a family and then get one by one out.

You can't become a member, just because they smiled out.

You don't know any of us, don't you? i have no doubt

We witnessed our great moments, achievements, when we all raised up together, when we all shared our dreams, when the hand was on the hand, our dream became a real.

We witnessed our deep deep downs, the moments even ourselves have never seen before. We  lived and raised and got down and revived and stuck 

and here is the output, A Real Big Family

You would never know how the process was, and even knowing it, it won't be enough, it is our past.

Our Dreams .. Our Moments .. Our Big Big Home

And You're just one of our Big Big audience, Watching our Colourful Building and You'll never know how the basis looked like, neither feel the effort done, so keep out, watching like everyone, like anyone

and We'll stay the One Big Family

Friends but Family

--


Written On: Friday, 11/11/2011