I'm not feeling like I want to do anything, even "doing nothing" is a thing that I don't want to do. I'm not into writing actually, but it's not about writing, it's about what I feel now, that are so weird in my point of view. And as long as I have things on mind, so I will write!
Hmm, I don't know actually from where exactly this mood begins, but I can say that, it includes "boredom" in its early stage, some kind of "revulsion" feeling, some kind of "huff", some kind of "I don't want to hear a word near by", and a state that everything around seems to be an extra load that gets me nervous and sick however what it is.
And for sure I'm not any happy, or feeling any excited. "I lose excitement for everything" in another way. So I stay in my place doing nothing at all, nothing useful, and if it gets worst it becomes harm and unacceptable, out of an awful attitude! I can't accept it however it comes out of me!
And I rarely can write, I prefer watching films to writing at this state, however I'm writing right now! And by the way I hate tragedy! And this mood makes me feel like "I have enough" as if I'm a Drama Queen! So no, no tragedy, best suits me are Teens films, social-romance & comedy-romance. This seems also weird! As I never loved romance films, they seem like.. sick! Not all of them, but old ones really get me sick, but now, well, I love it to some level, if not over limits and doesn't carry that exaggeration touch of Hollywood!
Okay, I've just watched one of those family-type films, and it seems good, however the story is worse than to be written by a Primary Kid, but whatever. I'm still not feeling good, or at least in that mood I should be having after that film. Usually after watching a good film, during this mood, specially I'm in bed, is to get under the blankets and have sweet dreams, hoping I'll get up morning with a good fresh mood!
But, I'm not into sleeping too. I'm afraid to think about the reasons that I may find the true ones which would never drive me any good place. I don't want to discover that it's you again! Not again! Not after all what I've suffered and passed by! No after days and days that I consider the worst I've ever passed by! Not after All, I come and remember You! Well.. Did I forget you in the first place?! How come!
But Yes, It's you, in a way or another, and you know what? The worst fact is that you bring everything to me! Joy and fun and the worst memories too! And I wonder, strongly wonder, how you still have the ability to make me that happy!! People make me laugh maybe, but it's quick rare fake ones! But sometimes you just say nothing at all, or say many unrelated things, and sometimes you say stories that you've told me about earlier, and it makes me happy, deeply truly happy though! Just because you are who you are!
And It makes me happy just seeing the smile in your eyes, not that fake one everyone believes in! No, I know it when your smile is pure, when it's coming out of satisfaction and true happiness, and when it comes out just to cover your real mood, or when sometimes you decide to forget about your worries and give out a smile. They are all smiles, but I can see them all, on their true faces, and I still wonder...! Why is this happening to me?
Oh God, this is .. I don't know .. I don't want to complain or say it's too much, but I can't keep going alive with those moments I can't control! with those feelings I don't know where did they come from neither where they'll leave me and my life alone!
Almighty, Guide me to your way, let me happy and satisfy. Bless me, my work, health and prayers. Let my wish come true, I'll never stop praying, never going to give up praying for it, asking You Allah to let it come true, send it to me with Life and Afterlife Blisses. Amen.
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