*73* عيد اللحمة في خيمة الفوج السعودي في الحج من 4 سنين

بم إنه عيد اللحمة و كدة .. افتكرت حاجة و ماما بتحط الأكل ..

تمام كما كان المشهد خارج المخيم في منى

كنا في الحج من 4 سنين كدة .. كان فيه حاجتين ضايقوني

أول حاجة إننا مصليناش العيد :( قالك الحجاج عيدهم عرفة .. !! اضطريت أعديهالهم D:

بس اللي معديتوش بقى كان موضوع الأكل! :)

كنا طالعين تبع مُطوف سعودي (من السعودية يعني مش من مصر), فـ في حتة الأكل دي كنا متظبطين جدا من حيث الطهي و الكميات

بس اللي ضايقني بقى إن الأكل كان بينزل في صنية كبيرة كدة زي بتاعة الفلاحين دي (الصنية اللي تقضي 10 أنفار), مش مشكلة الصنية إنها فلاحين D: مشكلة إن الناس تمد اديها و تنقنق و الصنية ترجع زي ما هي!

صنية رز و لحم (كل وجبة على مدار المدة الي قعدناها في مِنى) ترجع شبه كاملة!!

طيب ترجع إزاي؟ ترجع في الزبالة طبعا! آه الصواني (على مستوى الخيمة بقى, و رجال و سيدات) كل وجبة تفضل زي ماهي و تترمي في الزبالة!

و برة المخيم بالظبط كان ناس من جميع الجنسيات جايين بالعافية و مش لاقيين أكل!

الموضوع كان مرعب فعلا, اللي هو إحنا بنستحرم رزاية تفضل في الطبق!

المهم عقبال ما قدرنا نقنعهم إن ده اسمه "افتراء" و "حرام" و إن الأكل اللي ماتمسش ده نحطه في علب و نوزعه على بقية الناس اللي مش لاقية تاكل (و ما أكثرهم في الحج) كان اترمى كميات في الزبالة تأكل حي بحاله!

--

ليه بقول كدة دلوقتي, عشان ده كان مثال حي على اللي بيحصل في االعالم, كلنا بشر .. على نفس الأرض, بلاد جيران, و رغم كدة ناس تاكل و ترمي و ناس مش لاقية اللقمة!

عشان كتير بننسى إن اللي بنتقمر عليه ده ناس بتحلم تشوفه بس, مش كمان تملكه!

عشان نحمد ربنا إن أهلنا مربينا على الإعتدال و الإحساس بالغير, لإن النعم دي مابنحسش بقيمتها غير لما نشوف ناس مفتقداها تماما و في جهل تام إنهم فاقدنها!

و عشان ماننساش غيرنا في أيام مباركة زي دي, و مايكونش العيد "علينا" بدل ما يكون "لنا"

و ربنا يرحمنا و يهدينا جميعا .. و كل لحمة و إنتوا طيبين : )

*70* Break Down

You surely experienced those times when everything goes wrong, I'm hosting such times now.

Apparently, things are good; stable status.

Family? relation is fine, visiting grannies, aunt, and it's going.
Friends? well I am about to forget such a word. I think "colleagues" has just replaced it. No problems.
People in Circles? know nothing about them, but it's peace.
College? 3rd week just passed, attended most of lect, sec & labs. No serious troubles.
Life? About to be part of 3 different life activities that are seriously important, beside the 3 I'm already having.
Relationships? No comment.

Remember, that was "apparently" !

But It's not about Family, Friends, People around, College, Activities nor event about relationship status. It's not about how things look!
It's about "Me". It's about how i see them and how do i feel about them.

"Me" is not feeling any good; "Me" is feeling so down, so week, so broken spiritually and disabled physically.
"Me" is having shortage towards her God which makes everything meaningless.

And as a Result "Me" is way down, having too trifling thoughts which disable her from figuring out what comes first then what. What's the highest priority now to be done? What to start with? What to keep? And what to give up on?

I ask for prayers because people got nothing to do with "Me" more than this.

As long as she feels guilty and having shortage, as long as she feels her soul got disconnected, as long as she feels that she lost her God's contentment... As long as no one would be able to help more than to pray for her.
--

It's way hard to be pushed to believe that "YOU Can't" while you know deep that "If it is not you who can so who is!"

This is where I am at exactly. 

Either to believe what I'm being pushed to believe, or to be that stubborn who refuses failure and refuses to let herself down by disbelieving in her own capabilities and skills!

Prayers Needed.

but..

*69* Dear V

Dear V,

At such times of my life i used to go directly and talk to you, it's where I'm home; where i can find somebody who listens to me, really knows me and so find the one who greatly can help.

But it's different now, i can't ask for help any more, i feel guilty when i do it. I'm not supposed to be and so i stopped it. I know you're the best to understand these words, even the best to know how i feel and why I'm acting this way. I'm trying to do the right thing.. which is being away from all not only you nor YOU my people.

I'm not completely lost, yet I'm losing .. yeah, continuous tense.. It's not any stable over here.. like catching a beam of light, feeling it, seeing it, and once you decided to save it, it ran away. so far away .. and it's not coming back any near, however your hard efforts, it's not coming back any any near.. and so you're in the middle of the road .. no go backs.. no stepping forward.. nothing at all in hands but to go on with life that really sucks!

Finally, my forever request will be..
Please constantly Pray for me =')

P.S.
You used to get confused of my words, for you or not, but this time it's totally for you Vendetta fan =)

One yellow smile

One cave of mine

Venus ran out of stars

and it's all because of Mars