Dear Reader,
Pardon me, If you have troubles with soul peace, don't read this, or generally don't read the #SelfTalks (vent out) sector over here, as mostly it's desperate and negative and won't lead you anywhere but to a demotivated down state.
(And If you are not a writer, never ask about why I'm typing negative thoughts)
I've warned you!
Sincerely,
Salma H.
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Truly I didn't wish to come back to the self talks sector, at least not to document a mess up again! But that is the clearly truth, things were messed up and still messing up day after day, I'm trying to take control but each step I take a ten pull me back. Sometimes it seems to be a curse, others seem to be nothing but a poor week misguided soul. I stand in the middle of roads making prayers to get back home, when the silence doesn't work, I say it out load, I say It's wrong, It's heading away, It's going off the right track.. I wish someone listens to me and take me home, but things doesn't change and I have no idea why. I TRULY WANT IT TO END UP RIGHT.
Dear Lord, You know it all, and the strong will of mine is fading away, again! And because you bless me with some vision, I can see where these all would drive me, but us, and that what mainly freaks me out, that I know!
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Never been or will be direct in writings when it come to personal stuff, but would always, those who are surrounded and got involved, understand my point clearly.. But today it seems I have to get it all (relatively) out.. And I can't tell if knowing them reading my words would save the suffer of explaining things to them, or this would load much loads on my back. Truly I don't know..
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Since You became in that circle of "getting used to" and things are messed up here. and It's all my fault! all my fault! If only I wasn't that curious to know the interesting combination of this character, mostly there would have been nothing now. But stupid me!
The case is that when you get to know one of the most respectful, understanding, helpful, great-minded characters that you have ever had the chance to meet in your short worldly life.. And Everything just says: Error, TIME OUT, You can't be here, Leave NOW!
That's when you find the perfect friendship ..
Mind: WARNING WARNING!
Me: Excuse me?
Mind: Nothing Call friendship here! who are you kidding?
Me: who's that!
Mind: conscience sweetheart!
Me: and since when your majesty decided to show up?
Mind: Since Always! I can't imagine how you went on with all the pain I'm causing to you!
Me: and who said I went on? It just happened!
Mind: huh! You are stupid if you once think that it just happened, you drugged me down and thought you can handle it from here, then you lost control! Can you tell me now where are you?
Me: Nowhere.. :/
Mind: Exactly! .. Do You Know how much pain and shame i feel every moment you give a laugh at the wrong place? with the wrong people? at the wrong time?
Me: Hey Hey! I Know! Never to mention that You are in here in me after all!!
Mind: Good For You! .. Now what?
Me: Nothing is called friendship according to the rules, and i can't define it to be anything else, so since it's something doesn't exist, therefore it's nothing!
Mind: Exactly!!!!
Me: BUH! But you know I've tried to control it at the beginning, then i lost control and things moved on to the "getting used to" circle, and everyday the bond get stronger and better and more cheerful! It's like you tell me close the only current (and generally one of the rare) door that brings true smiles on the face, and true cheers and hope in the heart. It's like you close the door that gets myself back to me after I've left all the company behind my back one day
Mind: Awesome!! Now you remember you left them behind your back, don't you remember the REASONS???!
Me: Fine, I do remember the reasons quite well, but as you know too, here I've found what I missed in that company.. I missed someone brings me closer to the straight path.. with keeping on to all the common criteria and those 24hr analytical non-stopping mind. I thought the mix of knowing someone similar to me in a lot, can make things seem smooth however all my killing faults, and teaching me with even his silence, isn't a thing that i can meet through my life, and when i find it true, I have to close all doors... this is insane.. however a must-be
Mind: and never to mention that what annoys me is that it's not "must-be" from the rules perspective only!! You know too how it's shameful i feel the whole time!! the whole time no kidding! On one hand, you are confusing your heart with lots of comparisons, by which you'll surely be unjust with Your One (If he ever showed up) because here in this case you're seeing all good and Not a bad thing!! and you know exactly that this is a sign of a hidden disaster upon your own life experiences! and however you know that is not a promising thing, you keep going knowing it's perfect as long as it's friendship.
One the Other hand,..
Me: I know.. I know well! You're always feeling shame and guilt because you're taking what's not yours.. I know and that pains me btw!
Mind: I Know
Me: Good! 'cause you probably know that before every word i say, i take into consideration that friends one day would have their families that would be jealous enough, and that would cut any friendship or any relationship whatever you'd like to call, cause simply I'd be more jealous if I'm in their shoes! Never To mention that if their families are my friends.. say bye for friends .. I've already said bye for "close friend" state but "friend" still there, however painful losing friends i have nothing to do but to get off the road, whether these families came true or not, It's a dead end..
Mind: yeah deadlock!
Me: 3aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa You are over aware! was it important to remind me of the OS exam now?!! BUH!
Mind: B-)
Me: fine! but after all, If they read these sentences they -mostly- would still not get how it feels over here, or what I want or why am holding on at all!
I appreciate "fine" things, fine people, fine photography, fine arts, fine ethics,... I do appreciate them indeed! and you are one fine man who I do appreciate and like everything I've seen from (maybe I saw little things, but great ones). Your character ceased me at first, because I know behind the silence there's a lot, and when I lost my silence I lost connection to myself, but you were there to teach me how things still work with silence and hard efforts.
Making things seem easy and smooth and everything is okay however I'm mad knowing it's not, made me feel grateful like I can Never Ever Explain! and being a good gentle man in a weird worldly era gave me hope in people after I lost faith. And all the way, your support in the right way was one thing my life was missing since last time I worked with people who "understand" right how things work.
Finally, what bothers me, is not that I'll miss all the good positive energy you provide me with, with every smile I can't hold anything but smiling back at, or any laugh that receive a by default a laugh back for... but It's that I'll miss your indirect smart sense of humour ='D and our indirect communication language!
Finally I promise that if I did my best before, I'll do my very best again to take myself off, but you promise me as well to control your sense of humour! lol, no seriously, I know you'll say "don't take things too harsh on yourself" but I need a true however harsh help this time to drive things that Both of Us believe in, that are right, happen.
(P.S.: I know you probably know this, but for precaution: like is not love, just for the oriented mind blocks the society got, however it's one of the highest states of appreciation and gratefulness
P.S.S. everything happens for a reason at its written time and date, I'd keep reminding myself with that to keep grateful to the good times we had and for everything I've learnt : ) and most important to know that you're not my brother for a reason! good reason probably =P )
Mind: TIME OUT!
Me: Easy!! I just wanted to finalize that .. I'd ever be thankful and grateful, and would never be late if for ever a help is needed, however I was the one who was always desperate for help.
Mind: Tatata! Bekh!
Pardon me, If you have troubles with soul peace, don't read this, or generally don't read the #SelfTalks (vent out) sector over here, as mostly it's desperate and negative and won't lead you anywhere but to a demotivated down state.
(And If you are not a writer, never ask about why I'm typing negative thoughts)
I've warned you!
Sincerely,
Salma H.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Truly I didn't wish to come back to the self talks sector, at least not to document a mess up again! But that is the clearly truth, things were messed up and still messing up day after day, I'm trying to take control but each step I take a ten pull me back. Sometimes it seems to be a curse, others seem to be nothing but a poor week misguided soul. I stand in the middle of roads making prayers to get back home, when the silence doesn't work, I say it out load, I say It's wrong, It's heading away, It's going off the right track.. I wish someone listens to me and take me home, but things doesn't change and I have no idea why. I TRULY WANT IT TO END UP RIGHT.
Dear Lord, You know it all, and the strong will of mine is fading away, again! And because you bless me with some vision, I can see where these all would drive me, but us, and that what mainly freaks me out, that I know!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Never been or will be direct in writings when it come to personal stuff, but would always, those who are surrounded and got involved, understand my point clearly.. But today it seems I have to get it all (relatively) out.. And I can't tell if knowing them reading my words would save the suffer of explaining things to them, or this would load much loads on my back. Truly I don't know..
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
hmm.. lots of pressing factors, from where to start!
shall I start with the one who changed my life, made the perfect fairytale and then disappeared for four month after a whirl of lively troubles? and when I was about to fix things back in me and ready to move on, forgetting about all what happened, grateful for what I had, he showed up once again illogically with shocking attitude, and whatever I do to convince myself that it's just a thing that would pass, the shocks keeps growing .. and the hurt as well. I said it was fair enough! why the damn heart is still attached! Truly I don't want to hurt them in anyway cause ... they still the sweetest thing that ever happened to me, but i don't want to got hurt back as well!! so..
Dear heart,
You've been always tough till once you started to act like people and give love, now excuse me, shut all doors up cause apparently (as I told you before more than a thousand time) no one is perfect for you to hold you tight and treat you right. You are too complicated and faithful, and people's shocks break you down, so close them dear and cut all roads lead to fear.
Sincerely Mind.
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Or shall I start from here.. where? I don't even know where exactly I'm standing at this part, totally vague, happy? many, down? never, clear? never too, mess up? mostly .. but most of all restless and uncomfortable! Like Always!
Since You became in that circle of "getting used to" and things are messed up here. and It's all my fault! all my fault! If only I wasn't that curious to know the interesting combination of this character, mostly there would have been nothing now. But stupid me!
The case is that when you get to know one of the most respectful, understanding, helpful, great-minded characters that you have ever had the chance to meet in your short worldly life.. And Everything just says: Error, TIME OUT, You can't be here, Leave NOW!
That's when you find the perfect friendship ..
Mind: WARNING WARNING!
Me: Excuse me?
Mind: Nothing Call friendship here! who are you kidding?
Me: who's that!
Mind: conscience sweetheart!
Me: and since when your majesty decided to show up?
Mind: Since Always! I can't imagine how you went on with all the pain I'm causing to you!
Me: and who said I went on? It just happened!
Mind: huh! You are stupid if you once think that it just happened, you drugged me down and thought you can handle it from here, then you lost control! Can you tell me now where are you?
Me: Nowhere.. :/
Mind: Exactly! .. Do You Know how much pain and shame i feel every moment you give a laugh at the wrong place? with the wrong people? at the wrong time?
Me: Hey Hey! I Know! Never to mention that You are in here in me after all!!
Mind: Good For You! .. Now what?
Me: Nothing is called friendship according to the rules, and i can't define it to be anything else, so since it's something doesn't exist, therefore it's nothing!
Mind: Exactly!!!!
Me: BUH! But you know I've tried to control it at the beginning, then i lost control and things moved on to the "getting used to" circle, and everyday the bond get stronger and better and more cheerful! It's like you tell me close the only current (and generally one of the rare) door that brings true smiles on the face, and true cheers and hope in the heart. It's like you close the door that gets myself back to me after I've left all the company behind my back one day
Mind: Awesome!! Now you remember you left them behind your back, don't you remember the REASONS???!
Me: Fine, I do remember the reasons quite well, but as you know too, here I've found what I missed in that company.. I missed someone brings me closer to the straight path.. with keeping on to all the common criteria and those 24hr analytical non-stopping mind. I thought the mix of knowing someone similar to me in a lot, can make things seem smooth however all my killing faults, and teaching me with even his silence, isn't a thing that i can meet through my life, and when i find it true, I have to close all doors... this is insane.. however a must-be
Mind: and never to mention that what annoys me is that it's not "must-be" from the rules perspective only!! You know too how it's shameful i feel the whole time!! the whole time no kidding! On one hand, you are confusing your heart with lots of comparisons, by which you'll surely be unjust with Your One (If he ever showed up) because here in this case you're seeing all good and Not a bad thing!! and you know exactly that this is a sign of a hidden disaster upon your own life experiences! and however you know that is not a promising thing, you keep going knowing it's perfect as long as it's friendship.
One the Other hand,..
Me: I know.. I know well! You're always feeling shame and guilt because you're taking what's not yours.. I know and that pains me btw!
Mind: I Know
Me: Good! 'cause you probably know that before every word i say, i take into consideration that friends one day would have their families that would be jealous enough, and that would cut any friendship or any relationship whatever you'd like to call, cause simply I'd be more jealous if I'm in their shoes! Never To mention that if their families are my friends.. say bye for friends .. I've already said bye for "close friend" state but "friend" still there, however painful losing friends i have nothing to do but to get off the road, whether these families came true or not, It's a dead end..
Mind: yeah deadlock!
Me: 3aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa You are over aware! was it important to remind me of the OS exam now?!! BUH!
Mind: B-)
Me: fine! but after all, If they read these sentences they -mostly- would still not get how it feels over here, or what I want or why am holding on at all!
So let me state some facts for those people please (a message in fact)
#ToYou
Making things seem easy and smooth and everything is okay however I'm mad knowing it's not, made me feel grateful like I can Never Ever Explain! and being a good gentle man in a weird worldly era gave me hope in people after I lost faith. And all the way, your support in the right way was one thing my life was missing since last time I worked with people who "understand" right how things work.
Finally, what bothers me, is not that I'll miss all the good positive energy you provide me with, with every smile I can't hold anything but smiling back at, or any laugh that receive a by default a laugh back for... but It's that I'll miss your indirect smart sense of humour ='D and our indirect communication language!
Finally I promise that if I did my best before, I'll do my very best again to take myself off, but you promise me as well to control your sense of humour! lol, no seriously, I know you'll say "don't take things too harsh on yourself" but I need a true however harsh help this time to drive things that Both of Us believe in, that are right, happen.
(P.S.: I know you probably know this, but for precaution: like is not love, just for the oriented mind blocks the society got, however it's one of the highest states of appreciation and gratefulness
P.S.S. everything happens for a reason at its written time and date, I'd keep reminding myself with that to keep grateful to the good times we had and for everything I've learnt : ) and most important to know that you're not my brother for a reason! good reason probably =P )
Mind: TIME OUT!
Me: Easy!! I just wanted to finalize that .. I'd ever be thankful and grateful, and would never be late if for ever a help is needed, however I was the one who was always desperate for help.
Mind: Tatata! Bekh!
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