First of all, I know I it all.
I know I shouldn't worry about such things, because any way I have nothing to do or say, right?!
Yes I know It's right, my worries aren't worries that i should worry about, nor even any worries I should go and worry about, but am a human, and these are my wide beautiful white spaces that replaced my actual physical pages and dear pencil.
It's where I can talk and vent out with no one telling me "I have enough worries/burdens to care about", without hurting myself by asking someone who doesn't even care to talk with, or with someone who's doing almost nothing all day long but when I call it's time to get busy.
People are too bad, most of them are.
Even those who don't reply with a hurting answer, I, myself worry to get them bored or unhappy by talking about things they won't even feel or know how it does feel. Those people either start to give solutions too quickly or listen with no useful answer, and both i don't even seek!
I need someone who understands, just understands and support, and the only one who may be that one, lately became too busy to be even found anywhere.
I hate working life, it steals people from me, one by one.
Second of all, it's that worries that drove me here to write, actually they may not seem any reliable but they worry me! and I found myself talking to myself, and since that seemed crazy to talk to myself on twitter, and i can't do it live; loud voices! so I'll start talking to myself here.
I'm really worried and this driving me upset, too sad and upset and about to get angry, so I've decided to write it here before my case upgrades and spends all the dictionary sorrow vocabulary!
________________________________________________________________________________- It can't be true, that thought i have, no not this one! it can let my heart stops with no kidding!
# You didn't like her since you saw her, and you can't even say 'cause they're her friends, but you can know she's not good anyway..
- Yes but, what if! it's a disaster if yes! and i can't say that to any of them, they might (or one of them who surely will) go through thoughts! awful evil thoughts, and I'd be the one who envies! GOD! really that would be the most hateful thing may ever happen.
# But why all those worries? not a thing refers to it. yes there maybe a percent in 200, but it stays a percent!
Admit it, that's not all what you fear.
- Yes, it's not! and what then? nothing. I said I'll forget about that totally and throw it behind my back as long as I'm with my God, praying and asking him for the better, asking him to fulfil my dream, and i have faith in him and in my magical tool he provides to me; Doaa. This was enough not to let me worry even if the world has tried to get in my dream's way, even things were coming true, even I've lost it in Dunya.. I only want it in Akhra to become true..
# Only! oh poor! you're talking as if it's a little thing not the big real thing!
- Yes it's the big real!
and yes I want the best to be mine, so i seek Akhra.. but also that's too way far, can't you see!
it's even way way way risky. no one can guarantee if we will enter paradise that easy and then we meet..
and what about the horror in between?!
NO I'm not an selfish, I seek something who may happen or may not after Thousands and Thousands of Years, after all the BIG things going to take place, BIG Never-Would-It-Be-The-Easy Eras.
No I'm not selfish, but I'm a human who loves and worries and get hurt and lately took steps to do her best not to follow satan (not even by mistake) and only seek Allah's contentment in EVERYTHING.
How Hard.. in Everything.. including what the heart beats with, including what the mind thinks of.. including what the eyes miss to see.. including what the ears miss to listen to.. including Everything Everything that would be easy if only one thing hasn't been there..
and it is the whole thing..
the main worry, or the whole..
what the heart carries sincerely...
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