*37* Not The Same (Tweets)

The problem that it's not like any other time, it's different, totally & completely. Now when it's dull and dark, I can't ask for human help


 'cause once you get to have that connection with Allah and know it deeply, it becomes like asking for hell on asking humans for help


It's too complicated that it's simple! You ask Allah, He makes you the richest, You ask people & you'll be the poorest human on earth


and by time you'll lose all the needy feelings to people, sometimes you'll actually get that discontent feeling towards Life & People


By Time also, life becomes so meaningless little phase that you have no option but to go through, with no desire to stick to


and you'll be a big-picture seeker, if u already weren't a one. You'll focus more on real values, neglecting all lively fake things


accompanying the everything-one book; Holly Quraan, having your own cave/shell whenever you want; Prayers (Salaah) and waiting..


 ..waiting till that moment happens and you finish this phase successfully, on your way to the everlasting Real Life, where Paradise


all this is so beautiful, and not knowing but feeling it is the greatest bless one can have, but the problem also stays still..


The problem is when I miss my link, when things go wrong however everything, however my inferiority view towards Life & its Problems


when I pray and can't taste it, when I read/listen to Quran and I can't touch it with my heart, when I fast and feel like I am not


 that's when things go wrong & I don't know what to do. Is it the magical bottle? Does the spell lose its powers sometimes? Idk..


but what I know well that I don't need people any more, only HIM can Help, Only HIM can Guide, 'Cause Only HIM cares and loves me


& Only HIM has the ability to let me happy, when HE's satisfied. Yes I'm not feeling good, but I'm not lost any more. الحمد لله وحده

*36* ماتسَربَعونيش

كنت في بيت واحدة صاحبتي لما مامتها علقت على العباية و قالت لي..

"بس إنتِ كدة حددتِ نوع العريس اللي هيتقدم لك..."

كان نفسي أقولها "آه والله يا طنط عندك حق" !!

بس للأسف, لقيتني برُد رد تاني خالص..

لإن للأسف ده مش الواقع..

للأسف (تاني) دلوقتي الولد الملتزم و اللي مش ملتزم عايز واحدة ملتزمة

و للأسف (برده) مش كل واحدة لابسة عباية, ملتزمة

و مش كل واحدة ملتزمة, لابسة عباية! 

و بالمثل لقيتني بقول.. 

"ما باقاش كل واحد ملتزم, شكله ملتزم

و لا كل واحد شكله ملتزم, فعلا ملتزم" !

لما قعدت أدورها في دماغي كدة, لقيتني  افتكرت الأستاذ اللمبي في جملته الشهيرة .. "إنت مين ياض؟!"

إيه يا جدعان اللخبطة دي! هي الدنيا ملعبكة كدة ليه؟ مع إن الأمور أبسط من كدة والله!

المشكلة و اللخبطة و الحاجات اللي الـ "مفروضة" تكون (بديهياً يعني), و ماباقيتش "مفروضة" (فعليا), سببها إحنا..

من كتر ما كسرنا القواعد, ما باقاش فيه قواعد نستند ليها (عمليا), و مع كسر كل قاعدة الأمور بتزيد تعقيد!

و الناس بدل ما كانت بسيطة و أمورها بسيطة, و البيت كان يبان من عنوانه, لأ دلوقتي لازم دراسة لولبية لعلم النفس, اللي هو في حد ذاته بيتكلكع كل مآده مع تكلكع الشخصية العصرية, و أصبح دراسة الشخصيات من الأساسيات قبل أي خطوة لأي عتبة بيت!

مش بس في الجواز, لأ دي بقت أساسيات عشان تفهم اللي بيشتغلوا معاك, و جيرانك و صحابك, حتى أهلك في البيت, تبدأ تقرأ و تطبق عليهم اللي قرأته و تشوف بقى هم من أي نوعية من الناس! أهلك اللي هم عايشين معاك 24 ساعة وشك في وشهم دول, آه عارفهم؟

--> اللي مابيقتنعش بالحاجات دي (دراسات علم النفس), هقوله: معلش! طبق إختبار "الأنيكرام" = "The Enneagram" على أهلك و إنت هتعرف إنك بالكاد تعرفهم!

--> أما بقى اللي بيحب علم النفس و بيآمن بدراسته, هيبقى عارف فعلا إن العيلة في البيت الواحد "دلوقتي" ماتعرفش بعضها, و لازم دراسات عليا.. قصدي.. علم نفسية..!

 --  و هرد أقوله: ماتعرفهمش؟ آآه فعلا, إنت ماباقيتش بتشوفهم أصلا, صحيح هتعرفهم منين؟! 

بس ما هو ده برده بسبب العصر المكلكع اللي احنا ابتدعناه, و اللي بقى "متسربع" أو كما أوصفه "عصر السربعة" مش "السرعة"! 

و (السربعة) أعزائي, هي المشكلة اللي إتوصلت لها و قررت أعالجها على المستوى الشخصي, و فعلا لما حاولت لقيت الأمور بقت أحسن كتيـــر (على المستوى الشخصي برده)

و ده بقى اللي هاحكي لكم عنه المرة الجاية إن شاء الله :D

*35* Stuck in between

Shall I write again? I don't know really.. I don't know if throwing what's on mind on papers is for healing and getting rid of it or rather for letting it alive.. 'cause the last time I recalled some pieces it was too harsh on me however they were my own! Reading some words over and over again sometimes make me free of any anger, they just became some emotionless pieces of writings, but some other times, they recall the worst feelings at all, maybe worst than the ones they were accompanied by in the first place.

So, what shall I do? write again? or let the thoughts evaporate..? 

*34* The spoked of the unspoken

I never regret writing a thing before, however i used to be harshly to the point, frankly to death, honest and faithful and here exactly when troubles tell me "come baby come!"

and though I'm frank in my writings, I can't write everything, simply cause my lips can't just let the words get out that easily, my fingers get disabled to type it or write it down; those words which are too heavy to whisper, say to self, keep in my mind, or even imagine.

Yes, I can't, however softly and familiar they are to others, not only, they almost don't exist completely as the meanings had escaped them long ago and left nothing but shallow unlikely covers.

So, I can't tell..
And Again, Yes, not everything could be spoken..
And Again, I'm neither sad nor broken..

It was all about painful pin which existed here, long ago, and all what it needed to harm again was that sparkle i saw in those eyes that day, and couple of uncompleted sentences.. fair enough to activate you back my old painful pin.

And Again, though all secure reservations, you win.
--

To You:

I'm sorry, I can't speak,
and because of this my words seem vague,
if it was any easy it wouldn't have been all this time to take
and I'm sorry, I write indirectly
it's my only way to write what i feel-though-frankly
it's my only place where i can throw things out of my head trustfully...
and get healed relatively quickly
but it seems that the words referred to different totally meanings mistakenly
I'm sorry if any of them had to hurt you or build burdens unluckily
I may not able to say what's unspoken, but I can tell you that on one day
I lost the only best friend i, one day, had ... and i can say
that the history is putting again the same piece on play
and All I want, is not to lose again the one i trust
is it too much? or harm would accompany me long as a must!

Simply, shortly, briefly, frankly
I don't want to lose you, and nothing is going wrong with me except if you're annoyed or angry with me

and last.. I'm sorry, if I have no right to say a word.
--

I'm sorry Allah if I broke the rules. If I had sinned, only You can forgive me My Lord. 

إياك نعبد و إياك نستعين )

إهدنا الصراط المستقيم

 ( صراط الذين أنعمت عليهم, غير المغضوب عليهم, و لا الضـــــــالــيـــــن 

*33* Answers // U don't need to read

Sometimes Questions have no answers. Sometimes Answers are not meant to be there. Sometimes Questions are questioned, though they are the answers in themselves. They are the answers. And I have no answer to your question, because in itself all the answers exist. And You shall know it on your own, or for the rest of life you shall miss it.

I wonder and wonder and wonder and then I leave it and try to get it out of my mind. Because all the Questions lead to the same answer.. get me to the same loop, same ride.

# You do, and it does, however it maybe no or yes. 

# Why? It happens though. 

# I want let things go, I don't really want to know. 

--

Things won't die, or at least me,

won't be the one.

'cause as simple as it seems and complicated as it be, 

I had nothing to bring it up, but HE who created the sun, 

and created it inside me to lighten the dark, and harm none.

 It harms none, but those who pull it against the wind,

 the wind of HIS, and I'm not any more, of them, one.

 I'll keep it and hold it tight,

 go with the wind so quiet.

 I'll save it, cover it, and it'd always be,

 the unspoken pearl kept deep with no key. 

*32* The Core

Sometimes people forget that I'm a human, forget I'm a soul of a girl, forget I'm not only a body with a face stick on, I'm not the colours of outfits I wear, I'm not the colour of my skin, I'm not the colour of my eyes neither the tone of my voice. I can't be labelled according to my smile's attractiveness, my look's magic, my skin's pureness, my hair silkiness neither my outfit's style.

Sometimes people forget that I'm a soul of a human that lives inside all those, I'm a spirit with emotions, thoughts and potentials.

Sometimes people mistakenly think they can take me for granted, but simply they can't, because Allah has granted me "myself" to save it, keep it on his path, make her happy in Dunya, and drive her to Paradise in Aakhera. I'm my soul guider, driver and Lover. I'm the one who's granted because simply I'm the one who'll be asked for her in Aakhera, I'm the one who's responsible for her and her actions.

And If, and only If, my soul met another soul who its guider cares enough to share with me my duties towards my soul; keeps her on Allah's path, makes her happy in Dunya and drives her to Paradise in Aakhera, be the guider, the lover and takes the drive, so just then I can say that Allah granted my soul to another guider & driver, and granted me to be the guider and follower, sharing-based :)

Yes, People forget, but HE, Allah, never forgets :)

عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ قَالَ: قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ

(إِنَّ اللَّهَ لَا يَنْظُرُ إِلَى صُوَرِكُمْ وَأَمْوَالِكُمْ وَلَكِنْ يَنْظُرُ إِلَى قُلُوبِكُمْ وَأَعْمَالِكُمْ)

*31* #SelfTalk : Two Talks

Many Things on Mind

Well, ... wow! Thinking of that night needs taking a deep breath every time and yes.. "a sigh" that's what fits most, deep relatively-quick sigh. That night seemed to be too heavy, crowded with consecutive weird events that all packed to be unexpected! Huh! Just writing about it consumes my mind to remember the pictures, and it's nothing but so heavy quick video running and running in my head. 

But it's okay, I'll put it all aside now, 'cause what I came here to write about was something so important to me I'd like to remember it later on. It was her, the talk happened, the walk, then the other talk later that night. for a while when I think about all that, it's wondering, amazing, and heavy!

Comparing Pictures of that night - about 2 days ago, in order to mark it on my calender and check it later- makes me stunned! How? When? and again, How?! 

--

"Weird, but good start"

The first talk was the one who got me to write. I'm sure about how I seriously shall act like, but if it went on, it'd be definitely different, totally but not completely. I still believe in my first impression about people, as long as it worked properly nearly perfect "believe your instincts".that's how things go with me and right it goes. so this is really confusing. I do wish it goes well, I won't be upset if my first impression here went wrong, 'cause really I need it to be, better for me a lot as things seemed to get busy with tasks and coincidences! so it won't be good if I still have the same impression. Yes, I wish it goes wrong this time, however I don't believe in so at all!  

--

And hmm, well the second one was like... hmm..confusing I'll name it 

"Between Feeling guilty and snatching a moment of safety"

Ahh, no sighs would be enough, it's way deeper, way weirder, way beyond life matters. It was the struggle, that in deep me which once got up high pulling me away from this earth and it's billions worldliness mundane interests. That struggle which became a permanent companion, is hardening things a lot to me, however right great it is. When the second talk took place, it wasn't special, it was the most special one, and too dear to take place "Now"; at one of the hardest times any talk can talk place. 

I was supposed to be over the moon with miles and miles, but no, my companion didn't let me to guest the happiness this time, only it passed the smiles and passed to be inside it the feeling of guilt. As if I went for the least after I reached the highest or nearer, went happy -or though I'd be- with little vanishing moments of mundane, while the noblest eras where waiting for me and I has just take some steps forward it. It was the struggle of "little apparently happiness but poor Now, or everlasting real happiness and rich but Later?"

I know, I shouldn't break the rules, but it was peaceful, not deep as I used to be when I apply the rules, but it's the human inside, she misses and snatches here like entering  warm room for moments while whole day and night you're out in the freezing cold, however that cold brings inner warm, but it's human nature..

Ahhh, never going it to work that way, and yes, it widens spaces not the opposite, as it's against my magical bottle of ink spells. Help me Lord and Forgive me. You're the One.