*17* Baking The Words

"Write, Write and Write" Some words I've heard from one of my friends sometime ago.

First I've felt like "This sounds weird! Write, Write and Write ... Am I Baking?!" It sounded as if I was going to stir some dough and keep stirring and stirring... etc.. ! 

Honest Speaking, this sentence has changed a lot in my life!

Healing Writings let me wonder how blessed am I! I write again and again, and every time it feels great and almost heals.

As I said before, writing in itself doesn't heal, but it is an element of some elements only their presence will lead to amazing results. Elements like the reason you are writing for, the output you get after finishing, the messages you pass to readers and life lessons you share. Those are what really heal.

One of the effective reasons that let writing heals is that the more you write, the more squeezes you get rid of and the more time you consume in writing, the more negative charges you lose. 

So we can say that:

Writings Amount is inversely proportional with Squeezes(Burdens, Worries, Pressure,, ... etc.)

  Time of Writing is inversely proportional with Negative Feelings(Anger, Hurt, Fear,  ... etc.)

One of the very important elements is "Using the Right Expressions" that can express your feelings and thoughts well, and this element is considered the hardest of all; as it always comes with experience and tries.

With some encouragement, I've started writing, and since then I realized how much writing is a grace, how it can really heal, and how it develops by time which let you express better and heal faster :)

Writing is not for specific people. You mustn't be talented to write! All what you shall do is typing what you think of, your own thoughts and points of views, your feelings and reactions towards things, just capture your mind thinking and start writing the thoughts down.

If You Can Think, You Can Talk and so, You Can Write :) 

So Don't Miss This Chance of Healing :) and Who knows! Maybe by the time your writing style gets a special shape that many people will love it, not only those who already will admire it because they think alike ;) And Let's Write, Write and Write and officially create our own special bakes ;)

N.B. "The best time for planning a book is while you're doing the dishes." ~Agatha Christie ! :D

*16* A Call

Almighty Allah The Great The Generous The Patient The Merciful The Forgiver and Graces & Blessings Giver

Oh Mighty Allah, this is a call from your weak slave; the one who had mistaken a lot and afraid YOUR sanction. I used to know since young age how blessed I am, and I've always thanked YOU but never enough or even much relatively with YOUR uncountable graces, and if I did nothing with my life but praying and thanking YOU, it won't be enough for one grace.

Oh Mighty Allah, with all my hurt and between all the tears YOU only can see,  I'm calling YOU, praying for YOU, asking YOU for help. Almighty Allah; The Only ONE who answers the prayers of HIS slaves, PLEASE Answer my prayers, Accept it and Let it come true. YOU are the Only ONE who Can change things in an eye blink and less.

Oh Mighty Allah; My Life Guide and Prayers Acceptor. I Thank YOU for enlightening my sight every time I veer away from the right track. I Thank YOU for punishing me in my life and letting me able to analyse it, learn from it and go back to YOUR track. I Thank YOU for the grace that many people are missing; the recognition of your punishment during Life time and questioning why that happened, what did I do wrong? and then with YOUR Help and Generosity YOU Let me see my faults and ask YOU for YOUR Forgiveness.

Oh Mighty Allah, Accept my prayers for the one I always pray YOU for. YA ALLAH YOU are the Only ONE who KNOWS it All. Sooner or Later YOU will remove the Mist away from Your Slave's Eyes, but PLEASE Let it be without Harm. YOU Know that I was Blind as YOUR Slave now, and it needs a hard lesson to learn to discover the presence of that mist, but PLEASE Let it be fast and harmless, PLEASE Allah, I Forgive, so Let it be As soon as it could be without the hard method I saw and YOUR slave might see.

YA Allah, I lost my love to those who warned me, even their Love will stay guiding me forever, but it's because YOUR mercy upon me that let it be a blood Love and Care and  it's not the same here, it's not the same. I'm afraid I'd give Up praying for YOUR Slave, so please don't let me give up, don't let me lose my ability to forgive those I love, and let me be able again to love those who truly love me. PLEASE ALLAH extend my life time till I can apologise with deeds to those who I had mistaken in their rights while being unconscious, and fasten YOUR removal for that hard mist from YOUR Slaves's sight and Let it be safe PLEASE.

YA ALLAH, Send YOUR Peace and Blessings on The Final Prophet, and His Family and Companions and those who follow him. All Thanks Go TO YOU

*15* Do You Mind?

I'm young, but so grown up.

I'm practical, but so amiable.

I'm a girl, but so tough.

I'm a details-oriented, but a big picture seeker.

I'm a painter, poet and photographer, but I'm so into logic and maths.

I'm a perfectionist, but flexible.

I'm one of those who dream beyond possibilities for Life, but I usually think about Paradise and hereafter.

I'm a Muslim Girl, but I'm so open minded.

I'm an Egyptian Girl, but I hate routine and out of mind blocks.

I'm a Public Egyptian Education Student, but my mind is not ruined!

I'm in love with cold colours, but hot colours bring me warm!

I'm supposed to be a computer scientist, but I'm so into Business and seek Arts Studying.

I'm an entrepreneur with nature, but I want to work as a Marketing Manager besides my private business.

I'm not rich, I'm not genius and I'm not a citizen of a first world's countries, but I believe that I'm smarter than Mark Zuckerberg, talented than Van Gogh and I can be richer than Bill Gates at his tops.

I believe in myself and my capabilities more than most of Leading Companies Employees, because if they believe in themselves enough, they won't be now "just employees"! 

What's more important is that I Don't Have the Mind blocks that let You believe -or at least just pass by without objection- that the "BUT"s in the previous points are located normally!

For me, the previous sentences sound too wrong, as every "BUT" should be and only be replaced with ---> "AND"

This is what I Believe in and This is how I Think and Live.

If You are from those rare who sounded the sentences wrong and believe that "Nothing is Impossible Wherever the Belief is Found", Please Share this and let everyone knows that:
We will return our glory times by 

Working for the Impossibilities of Others

Because for Us, It Is Just Possible  

*14* I'm still a girl

Different Cries

I'm not angry .. I'm sad .. I'm upset .. I'm down to tears ..

I forgot to mention that besides I can't hold burdens, simple things became to push my tears and hurt me. So what about your words? not offensive.. not offensive at all.. but i couldn't hold them neither my tears could, and though being tough sometimes, strong sometimes, hard others and bitter others..  

I'm so girl inside

I love and hate and smile and get hurt. Little things and pure emotions can make my life not only a day, and I can't simply take your words objectively.

*13* #SelfTalk : You Let Me Down...

I've passed with a moment of mess; complete mess. I tried to concentrate, but I failed then. Each try failure gets me in a much worse case than the moment before it. As I failed to concentrated, as the thoughts began to merge in a complicated way.  I started to get pressured and stuffy. I got down to tears. I cried hard; I needed to discharge that negative suppression that decided suddenly paying me an unwelcome visit! Unfortunately it didn't work. 

I've tried to reach you, but I failed. It drove me deeper down. I needed someone to calm me down, let me feel home, tell me that everything is okay; someone I can trust. I needed Support. I needed to talk, to vent out with all worries. It was hard, really hard, finding someone I trust with high percentage. Those on the top are rare; just counted on one hand fingers. And it's not a must that those you trust, you will find all the way getting you the way you need to be gotten.  It's not a must that they will be understanding and supporting the right way that you need at this time specificity.

So It was Only You...

The One who promised me not to ever let me down.

The One who promised to be the friend I need.

The One I'd find whenever I became in need.

The One who knows how to handle me the best in my worst cases, and how to draw a true smile in the hardest times. 

Most importantly, it was You who I trust the most. You who let me down last night when I called for help.

I had a lot to say then, but just remembering your facial expressions you used to have in the last weeks, the way you talk and the replies you give, were enough to stop me from going on. Asking me "How can I help?!" in itself is enough to let me step back. It hurts me to say that "You became a stranger to me"

Don't talk to me in English

Don't talk to me Formal

This is far away from being comfortable

In normal cases, I needn't say what you shall say or shall not, I needn't even talk too much; knowing that I was down and need you was enough, because you perfectly know how to handle me then. This can't be normal. 

This can't be the one who taught me all about Venus and Mars, taught me that there are differences should be respected, and only those who can take care of details can perfectly deal with others and lessen many problems or maybe -from the beginning- avoid it. That can't be the one who stood by my side in the dark times, motivated me when control is lost, believed in me and showed support more than anyone else including my parents.

I admit I wasn't that smart student who quickly learns her lessons and avoid doubling and tripling mistakes,maybe more, but You still my teacher; the one who inspire me the most & never gave up on me however my mistakes were.

I admit too that you had hard times. You passed with things can bend the steal, and you needed your space; enough space to be back better. I'm afraid that was bitter not better. Every time I was asked why he turned to be like that, I answer that you have the total right to take your time after all what you've passed by. I defended you, however I didn't like the state. I needed you back as soon as it could be. I avoided burdening you with questions as much as I could. I avoided even calling for help at many other times, but this one was critical. 

Yesterday, I just needed you to be you; the one I knew. I needed you to get me to a comfort zone and then I'd have said it all; everything that worries me, because just talking with you is like keeping a secret safe in a deep well that no one can reach it. I wish I could tell you then "hey! I'm not a Mars-ian." I don't need direct solutions, because -as you know- I'm the best to solve my problems.  

All what I wanted then is... To feel okay, To have a shoulder to rest on my head in hard times, To find my friend aside;

 To find You.

*12* Tipping Point

Good Morning Dear White Pure Honest Pages

I'm just waken up for today, had a good breakfast I've missed for some time ago; mum has just made it and brought it me to bed, just like School Times and Ramadan before dawn times :) 

I've waken up and I thank Allah for this. I'm blessed with new day and new chances to let everything happened before this day go to the hall called "past" and just start a new good one with different perspectives and beliefs.

"Today, I'll make it memorable if not for me, I'll make it memorable for others" -- That's what I had to say before today, but Now it's different. I think it's time to care more about "me" care less about "others". Time to re-schedule my plans and re-arrange my priorities and most importantly to reconsider People and their spaces in my life.

Next Days would be a different Era to many of Us.

And The First Thing on my list, is to make You, My White Bright Pure Honest Mirror-like Pages --> My Best Friend, My Only One Best Friend, and I know that it would be the best friendship I'd ever have. It's Time To Get Out My Cards and My First will be: 

What I Decide, I Make However It Takes

What I Want, I Get Whatever It Takes

*11* How Hard

But "Letting me down" is harder than All...

When your days are stolen and you cant do a thing
how hard...

When you feel like your soul is fighting to stay inside your body alive
how hard...

When your plans are messed up,
When your will is broken down,
When your dreams are skipping away
and The promises can no longer stay...

How Hard...

*10* #SelfTalk : A Queen's drop

Lately I'm feeling like there's somewhat somewhere something going wrong. 

When I decided to create this blog I thought I'd be writing everything on mind, everything bothering me and so getting rid of all worries "like Dumbledore's well where he stores his thoughts". Maybe one of the strongest motives was one of my friends writings. Her writings are adorable as it just can describe my thoughts and states the best. It's amazing every time I find a piece of writing that I shall give a big cry after it "This is what I am at right now" "You speak my mind". I became so excited, but -as a writer, I know that it doesn't heal. Only writing heals the writers not the readers. And Not every writing heals, only honest writings; those fresh words coming directly out of mind without passing through any filtration process nor any evaluation process.  Honest words, Direct words, Truthful words that carry the whole Truth not a part of it. This is called "Healing Writings". 

Although, it's not healing all the way. I don't write every thought. I don't document every feeling. I don't catch my emotions at the right moments and send it directly to my thoughts well "My Soul Breeze". I don't know even why. It may be a matter of getting used to writing, may be I am not good at it and maybe -and that's what I strongly recommend- I'm not that type of people who threw all what's inside outside.

 Sometimes things are so special that it can't be said. Sometimes things are too superior to be just translated from "emotions" state to "words" state, and Sometimes things are too private to be even known to my own papers, as if my mind is jealous that my papers would hold his own feelings and thoughts, and more and more jealous that may someone someday would pass by and have a look on them. The worst thing my mind is afraid of, is that his so precious feelings and thoughts would be one day considered as "A drop in an ocean" or a common thing; something is counted but doesn't count, which is not true. It has never been, is, will be any common! 

It's different and in my own beliefs it is Unique. It's unique comparing to all surroundings' lives, cultures at this time of this world we're living in. Some people will say "Well, everyone thinks himself different" but I say "NO". Some others will say with belief "Of course everyone is unique" and I will say "Okay, but No too. That is not what I mean". People, it's a matter of being non-ordinary! And If I would scream with it, it would be like writing it, which is wasting thoughts! Yes, I believe that sometimes when I document things is like lessen from its precious value. I know that many people will not agree with this point, but it is my belief anyway and I am free with it. Moreover, writing doesn't heal in itself. It's a temporal element of those complete elements that only when being available all together they heal.  (Personal Theory)

Besides, since writing is a part of the writer's character, so it's a part of me which is so complicated! 

I'm a perfectionist girl who cares about the very small details as the big ones. I believe that when I write, so those writings must be Meaningful, carrying a lesson or a message to the readers, or otherwise why am I writing? It will be like I'm wasting my time and effort on writing meaningless words and not only this, but I'm wasting my readers' time too. 

Even when I write poems -those poems I only write because I feel like writing and they totally come out of strong feelings, whether happy or sad- I find myself at the end of each poem like I'm stuck! I should end it with a message to the reader, so that to satisfy my inner voice that is loudly saying "This should be useful not just words" and I do it, however I don't feel comfortable. The messages are mostly out of the context of what I feel then, but the voice inside me -the voice of mind- overcomes each time the voice of heart, which turns the end to  objective lessons or messages. 

So Here I am, finding writing -which is a part of me- complicated! If I passed all what's on mind to the papers, concerning that part of squeezes, so writings will be just wasteful, lessening from my precious thoughts' values and at the end they will not completely heal me. On the other side, If I kept writing with filtration processes that are so many and behind an ordinary eye can see, I wouldn't be making anything new and this blog -or in another way this place I've decided creating to be a part of my life- would be just another copy and will lose its main feature. 

When I came at this point, I wondered, how I wrote all those things while I didn't plan to. It was just because of one thought I have and afraid to be like a word that counted but not counts on papers:

"I'm a Queen. I am born with a royal soul, proud character and noble thoughts. 

I am common to the unique and unique to the common. 

Being me, saving my own features that Allah has created just in me, is what gives me power. 

If you reached that Semitic level where you can understand and deal with Queens' nature, just then you will doubtless be able to understand my character that seems complicated only to the public."

*9* A Grateful Surprise

"Meeting a Childhood Friend"

That Day! It held a big surprise to me after more than 12 years. I've met by chance one of my close childhood friends. It was really awesome that feeling I had then. I've recalled so many memories, caught some special moments and had a warm smile on.

One of the reasons, our memories were special, is that we were living abroad, where you can't find so many Friendly Egyptian Families, those real good companions are just rare because of the type of life at that place. 

I've spent only about 2 years there, where my friend was my first class mate and the best! By time, our families became close friends too. 

When I recall that stage of my life, it's like we've done everything together.  We were class mates and neighbours, We went swimming together, playing at fun fairs, had picnics on different beaches, went shopping with families and almost all our families' outings we were together. Not to mention Studying of course! Even when it came to Quran lessons at Masjid, we both were there.

"Back Home"

When we were back to Motherland, we kept in touch for so long time. The last thing I remember that we had shared some special events like my 10th Birthday party, Camping on our House roof, and some visits with much fun at each of us apartments. 

I had sparkles in mind with a conversation between me and one of my friends, which concluded that she had my old friend in one of her studying groups. That was at high school time.

"Just shocked!" 

And now, after recalling my best childhood moments, I've decided checking out my friend's life, which I regretted later! Let me say I was "shocked" with her current life style. Although it seemed not to be an old one, I couldn't believe it!

I've tried to get out the circle of "She was my friend" or "I used to know this Girl" to the circle of "She's a stranger". I found that she's way far to be my type! When I took an eye-capture to my life and hers, I've found it was like water and fire!

"The Mirror's other face"

If I were to be judgemental, I'd think of this:

"She's that type of girls with golden spoon since birth. She's shallowed, spoiled, cares about outlooks and her most interests are Fashion and Girls Gossip. She lived an easy life and her parents don't care much. She's way far from religion and real life responsibilities."

You can imagine that type of girls I'm talking about. There are many and many of them these days! But wait, when I got back to my state my shock was doubled! 

No way that the above words are describing the one I've known for so long! I can admit she's none of the above at least till we last met. I can't imagine how far our lives tracks became! 

"God's Graces"

For some reasons I found myself saying:

"Thanks Allah that my mother is My Mother and my father is My Father. Because of them, after YOU, I've become what I am, having the good companions that I have, drawing my life track to Hereafter, and not forgetting Day of Judgement, seeking Paradise and working for it on intention, instead of driving myself unconsciously to Satan track."

Yes I'm really thankful and grateful to My Mum and Dad, and I pray YOU Allah, to enlighten my friend's sight and guide her to the right track.

--

Written on: Saturday the 3rd of December, 2011 at 9:00 pm

*8* In order Not to be forgotten

May Allah send His Mercy upon You
"Mohamed Essam"

كلمات أقرأها ممن يحملون لك الجميل

رقرقت الدمع في عيناي من علو مكانتك
سمعت عنك و لم أرك, و لكني استلمت رسالتك
مع كل متعلم و كل معلم, يذكرك بخير و يحكي قصتك
فأراني قابلتك و أنا لست بذلك, أدمع لدى ذكرك و كأني أعرفك
أرجو من الله صدقة كصدقتك, و حب صادق في قلب مؤمن
يدعوا لي بالرحمة و المغفرة كما ندعوا لك
رحمة الله عليك و على والدتك, و رحمة الله و هداه على من خَلَفَك

*7* A Drop in the Bucket

I'm there but you can't see me
I'm only visible to those who care

I'm never away, but you forget

My sudden sparkles remind you that I'm still there

I'm not dead ... I don't vanish

 I'm having lives ... I laugh and dare