*31* #SelfTalk : Two Talks

Many Things on Mind

Well, ... wow! Thinking of that night needs taking a deep breath every time and yes.. "a sigh" that's what fits most, deep relatively-quick sigh. That night seemed to be too heavy, crowded with consecutive weird events that all packed to be unexpected! Huh! Just writing about it consumes my mind to remember the pictures, and it's nothing but so heavy quick video running and running in my head. 

But it's okay, I'll put it all aside now, 'cause what I came here to write about was something so important to me I'd like to remember it later on. It was her, the talk happened, the walk, then the other talk later that night. for a while when I think about all that, it's wondering, amazing, and heavy!

Comparing Pictures of that night - about 2 days ago, in order to mark it on my calender and check it later- makes me stunned! How? When? and again, How?! 

--

"Weird, but good start"

The first talk was the one who got me to write. I'm sure about how I seriously shall act like, but if it went on, it'd be definitely different, totally but not completely. I still believe in my first impression about people, as long as it worked properly nearly perfect "believe your instincts".that's how things go with me and right it goes. so this is really confusing. I do wish it goes well, I won't be upset if my first impression here went wrong, 'cause really I need it to be, better for me a lot as things seemed to get busy with tasks and coincidences! so it won't be good if I still have the same impression. Yes, I wish it goes wrong this time, however I don't believe in so at all!  

--

And hmm, well the second one was like... hmm..confusing I'll name it 

"Between Feeling guilty and snatching a moment of safety"

Ahh, no sighs would be enough, it's way deeper, way weirder, way beyond life matters. It was the struggle, that in deep me which once got up high pulling me away from this earth and it's billions worldliness mundane interests. That struggle which became a permanent companion, is hardening things a lot to me, however right great it is. When the second talk took place, it wasn't special, it was the most special one, and too dear to take place "Now"; at one of the hardest times any talk can talk place. 

I was supposed to be over the moon with miles and miles, but no, my companion didn't let me to guest the happiness this time, only it passed the smiles and passed to be inside it the feeling of guilt. As if I went for the least after I reached the highest or nearer, went happy -or though I'd be- with little vanishing moments of mundane, while the noblest eras where waiting for me and I has just take some steps forward it. It was the struggle of "little apparently happiness but poor Now, or everlasting real happiness and rich but Later?"

I know, I shouldn't break the rules, but it was peaceful, not deep as I used to be when I apply the rules, but it's the human inside, she misses and snatches here like entering  warm room for moments while whole day and night you're out in the freezing cold, however that cold brings inner warm, but it's human nature..

Ahhh, never going it to work that way, and yes, it widens spaces not the opposite, as it's against my magical bottle of ink spells. Help me Lord and Forgive me. You're the One.

*30* حسّوا بينا بقى!

حاسة إني عمري قصير

رغم إن سني صغير

بس أنا مش شايفاه كدة

محدش قادر يحس بيا ليه :'(

شايفة غيري العاجز بيعمل

و أنا بصحتي عاجزة إني أعمل

حاجة تفيد غيري بجد

تخدم بلدي, تعلم بنت تعلم ولد

فكري و فكر جيلي غير

حلمنا هو واقع نجيبه و نطير

مش مجرد حلم

يتحول هم

و نلوم الدنيا و نقول أصل و فصل و في يوم نندم

و ندور في روتين و ندني و ننحني للأرض

و نقول مصير مش تقصير و نسلم و الحلم خلاص انقرض

و قسوة الدنيا و الغدر يغزونا كالمرض

لأ مش هسلم للواقع, أصل أنا كدة

جيلي كدة, فكرنا و تركيبنا كدة

و عشان كدة ثورنا على التلاتين سنة

عشان فكرنا و حلمنا برة الشبابيك اترسم و بروحنا اتبنى

لو هعيش عشان أثبت إني أقدر, هثبته و لو بعد سنين

لو هحارب عشان تفهموا إننا بنهدر, من عمرنا سنين

هعيش و هحارب و هثبت إني صح, إني أقدر, إني أقوى من الدنيا, من مشكلات خلقها غيري, يتكعبل فيها الخسرانين 

و أنا هكتم ألمي جوه ضلوعي, مش هتسمعوا منه الأنين

هحارب بهدف و لهدف مش ههدر جهودي, بس افتكروا عشان هتسمعوا عني بعدين

و تسألوا و تتحسروا

هو جاب القوة دي منين؟

هي كانت زيينا؟ مننا؟ عاشت وسطنا؟ لا دي تلاقيها مش من هنا, و جاية تبني عندنا 

أقول لكم؟ .. و لا بلاش, كدة كدة هتعرفوا بعدين!

*29* New Good Morning :)

Hello there :)

It's a new day of a starting week, I'm here early awake to catch my day from it's starting point, accompanied by its whole events, with a sweet smile and a positive lovely view, and why shall not I be and it's new ?! :)

As long as I loved "new" things :) 

As long as I loved "new" starting points :)

So Here I am, cheering again, writing again, and praying again and again :) seeking to make a full good happy use of things and circumstances, carrying with me my magical bottle of ink :) enjoying the magical blinks ;)

Happy Joyful Fruitful Day Everybody :)

Cheer Up :) 

*28* #SelfTalk : Worries I shouldn't worry about

First of all, I know I it all.

I know I shouldn't worry about such things, because any way I have nothing to do or say, right?!

Yes I know It's right, my worries aren't worries that i should worry about, nor even any worries I should go and worry about, but am a human, and these are my wide beautiful white spaces that replaced my actual physical pages and dear pencil.

It's where I can talk and vent out with no one telling me "I have enough worries/burdens to care about", without hurting myself by asking someone who doesn't even care to talk with, or with someone who's doing almost nothing all day long but when I call it's time to get busy.

People are too bad, most of them are.

Even those who don't reply with a hurting answer, I, myself worry to get them bored or unhappy by talking about things they won't even feel or know how it does feel. Those people either start to give solutions too quickly or listen with no useful answer, and both i don't even seek!

I need someone who understands, just understands and support, and the only one who may be that one, lately became too busy to be even found anywhere.

I hate working life, it steals people from me, one by one.

Second of all, it's that worries that drove me here to write, actually they may not seem any reliable but they worry me! and I found myself talking to myself, and since that seemed crazy to talk to myself on twitter, and i can't do it live; loud voices! so I'll start talking to myself here.

I'm really worried and this driving me upset, too sad and upset and about to get angry, so I've decided to write it here before my case upgrades and spends all the dictionary sorrow vocabulary!

________________________________________________________________________________


- It can't be true, that thought i have, no not this one! it can let my heart stops with no kidding!


# You didn't like her since you saw her, and you can't even say 'cause they're her friends, but you can know she's not good anyway..


- Yes but, what if! it's a disaster if yes! and i can't say that to any of them, they might (or one of them who surely will) go through thoughts! awful evil thoughts, and I'd be the one who envies! GOD! really that would be the most hateful thing may ever happen.


# But why all those worries? not a thing refers to it. yes there maybe a percent in 200, but it stays a percent!
Admit it, that's not all what you fear.


- Yes, it's not! and what then? nothing. I said I'll forget about that totally and throw it behind my back as long as I'm with my God, praying and asking him for the better, asking him to fulfil my dream, and i have faith in him and in my magical tool he provides to me; Doaa. This was enough not to let me worry even if the world has tried to get in my dream's way, even things were coming true, even I've lost it in Dunya.. I only want it in Akhra to become true..


# Only! oh poor! you're talking as if it's a little thing not the big real thing!


- Yes it's the big real!
and yes I want the best to be mine, so i seek Akhra.. but also that's too way far, can't you see!
it's even way way way risky. no one can guarantee if we will enter paradise that easy and then we meet..
and what about the horror in between?!


NO I'm not an selfish, I seek something who may happen or may not after Thousands and Thousands of Years, after all the BIG things going to take place, BIG Never-Would-It-Be-The-Easy Eras.


No I'm not selfish, but I'm a human who loves and worries and get hurt and lately took steps to do her best not to follow satan (not even by mistake) and only seek Allah's contentment in EVERYTHING.


How Hard.. in Everything.. including what the heart beats with, including what the mind thinks of.. including what the eyes miss to see.. including what the ears miss to listen to.. including Everything Everything that would be easy if only one thing hasn't been there..


and it is the whole thing..
the main worry, or the whole..


what the heart carries sincerely...

*27* فلنغرسها

مجرد خاطرة..

مؤخرا بدأ الناس يلاحظون و بشدة عن أي فترة سابقة ظهور علامات الساعة الكبرى و بشكل مخيف, و مع الأوضاع الجارية في الشرق الأوسط من إنقلابات و إضرابات بدأ الناس تبادل سلاسل الإحباط, و لنلقي نظرة عامة, فسنجد أن نسبة المحبطين عمليا هي الأغلبية, و إن حاول البعض القليل الحفاظ على الروح المعنوية المرتفعة و إقناع الذات بالتفاؤل و تجديد الأمل, و لكنه غالبا ما يكون إقناع نفسي فقط لا يظهر تأثيره على العمل و الحياة الواقعية, و إنما يظهر فقط على شكل بضع كلمات سريعا ما تختفي  مع أول حادث ضخم أو حالات وفاة بالجملة ثم لا تلبث الجمل الساخرة بالظهور و الإنتشار و التعليقات التي تبدو  في ظاهرها ساخرة للتخفيف من وطأة الحدث و لكنها في فحواها يائسة تهبط من العزيمة لا العكس. 

و بالرغم من تمسكي بالأمل و محاولاتي المستميتة للإبقاء على التفاؤل داخليا و ظاهريا, إلا أني لاحظت أنها تنسحب تدريجيا من أفعالي. لقد بدأت أشعر أن نهاية العالم اقتربت بشدة, و الأحداث تساق إلى الأسوأ. إنه إحساس بائس! هذا الذي يمكن وصفه بـ "النهاية" فما جدوى العمل بتلك الحماسة التي كانت تصاحب عملي؟ و ما جدوى الإجهاد للتفكير في مستقبل لن نشهده لأنه لن يكون هناك, نعم إنها النهاية. سأعمل بجد, و لكن بدون شغف, بدون نظرة مستقبلية يملؤها الأمل و السعي لبناء مستقبل أفضل لأجيال قادمة, لأنه لن تكون هناك أجيال قادمة, إنها النهاية! 

و لوهلة تذكرت حديث شريف, كان من شأنه قلب كل الموازين! كنا نتناوله كثيرا من قبل و لكني قد نسيته مع الأحداث المتعاقبة و التي كان من شأنها هدم طموح أجيال, إنه حديث بسيط في أسلوبه عميق في فحواه. 

يقول صلى الله عليه و سلم:

"إن قامت الساعة وبيد أحدكم فسيلة فإن استطاع أن لا يقوم حتى يغرسها فليفعل"

**و الفسيلة هي النخل الصغيرة.

و معنى الحديث الشريف, أن المرء يبقى على عمل الخير  ولو كان قبل القيامة بلحظات، فإنه مأجور على ذلك.

 فإن كانت هذه القيامة قيامته, أي إنتهاء حياته الدنيا, فلابد و أن يبقى على الخير, فسوف ينفع به غيره و تكون كالصدقة الجارية.

 و إن كانت القيامة هي قيامة الأرض و من عليها, فغرس الفتيلة أو النخلة على الرغم من أنها لن تنفع أحد فسوف يجزى بها صاحبها خيرا.

و الآن و مع هذه النظرة التي من شأنها قلب الموازين, أستطيع أن أقول أنه فعلا لن يقلقني من الآن ماذا يحدث في العالم من أحداث تهدم و لا تبني, فطالما روحي تحيى في جسدي فسأغرس خيرا, لأنه مهما كان هذا الخير, و مهما كبر أو صغر حجمه, فإنه إن لم ينفع غيري, فإني سأحتسبه عند الله أجرا لي :)

فصدق من بعثه هدى و رحمة للعالمين :) و صدق حين قال:

"فَمَنْ يَعْمَلْ مِثْقَالَ ذَرَّةٍ خَيْرًا يَرَهُ" : )

*26* Colouring the Memories

I've just viewed (سريعا) an msn conversation, was on the 13th of October 2010, from 2:00 am to 4:00 am

Chatterers: Hossam Hassan, Nada Abd El-Aziem (my partners), Ashraf Magid  (our head) & me.

Main title: Getting some help for w/s name ideas.

We had a lot and a lot of names already, but none seemed to be that "one" we were looking for, so it was like an online meeting, but believe me when I say...

It wasn't more than continuous قلش :D !!

We kept making laughs on names to generate others and others. Yes, we were pressed to top! but we kept the قلش :D we kept the fun though :))

--

Remembering such things Now, after all, brings happiness to me :)) because little things what "actually" make the whole work seems wonderful :))

Care to enjoy your moments :) and make them special :) Those little moments what last :) and all pressure later vanishes :)

Chase the opportunities to laugh, pass a smile, make a trick ... what reaches the heart is what lasts :)

** Things seem to be black and white, or sometimes grey like the colours used to mention the scene up, but later on when the whole matter becomes just a memory, it seems to be colourful :)

Colours differs according to the moments you've succeeded to chase and bring happiness through :) so decide now, what colours would you like to have after it all ends? :)