hmm.. from where to start..
These are the holiday(s) of the first 10 of ZulHijjah before Eidul Adha, already 7 days have passed, today is the 8th (Saturday the 12th of October, 2013)
I'm not going to write anything related to these blessed days, rather than documenting some random thoughts I want to save, maybe I'll need it later maybe not.
This semester my weekend is on Thursday and Friday, and since Saturday is for GP and we didn't make any progress yet, so we can say I'm off college since last Wednesday 12:30 pm
(and that's when I last saw you..)
What made me want to go for documentation is that This kind-of-long holiday shall witness the experience of getting away from some addictions (as i consider them), like social networks and their magnetic fields! Also this would be a test whether i can have a sudden cut in certain relationships or not
(well, i don't think it's a matter of can or cannot rather than a matter of "what's the effect of going away for sometime on me?")
And since I can't take anything but slow, and since I want really to do this right, keep it as a reminder for my life -if I was meant to have any longer time on this earth- and since I have no choice but to win the challenge I put, I'll use this chance the best I can.
(p.s. I never lost a challenge, but to challenge a challenger.. that's exciting ;) )
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Day 1: Saturday the 12th of October, 2013
Started around 1 a.m.
State: Normal, except that I know It's not
Steps Taken: Checking social networks for minutes, checking important news, downloading college files, and no interaction. Started to check simulation Lectures.
(It's boring, you know, I missed the power hours and those exams days =))
Feeling: Not sure, but I'm happy for having a chance to take this break i badly needed, I feel bored though.
Thought: I want to document this day by day, if it's the same so that would be great, means it's safe, other wise I'm not sure I'm going to like it or even can deal with it.
Concern: Will we really make it?
Wish: I truly wish we can get back on track, to the path we chose, to the destiny we set, however hard was that, we did it once, and we know we can make it, again.
Message: I don't want to miss you, but I think I will, I hope not, I'm not there yet.. whatever
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Day 2: Sunday the 13th of October, 2013
Just started
State: Trying to have a new day
Steps Taken: Nothing till the moment I'm writing in. All there is that I didn't want to go trough the process of traveling abroad, but whether i liked or not i did, and this wasted like the half of the day. Managing to get my new laptop so as to make any progress with tasks and studying. I checked also into facebook today and made a post.
Feeling: Not really good, I hated my attitude today, and hated everything just took place, however i know it's all written for reasons.
(My only good moment when i checked the mails today =))
Thought: (1) I missed the funeral, I hated to waste my day on an unlikely process,
everything almost got my nerve that I stopped answering anyone except
for needed couple of words or actions taken, Why can't I just skip this town?
(2) About facebook, once i checked into it today, my head screamed "Get me out of here NOW!" I can't take this killing contradiction of people's statuses and posts anymore!
(3) checking the funeral photos today.. ماذا كان بينك و بين الله يا بلال =']
Concern: Regardless all the life stuff and logical reasons, but truly if i
was meant to make it today to the funeral, I'd have made it, I just wasn't meant to be there,
yet.. I don't deserve to be there..
Wish:
As Yesterday >> I truly wish we can get back on track, to the path we chose, to the
destiny we set, however hard was that, we did it once, and we know we
can make it, again.
Message: I dreamed of you, but can't really remember what exactly, and you were on my mind like the whole day! Stay Strong (as you always are). I need your prayers
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Day 3: Monday the 14th of October, 2013 (وقفة عرفة)
Started 12:00 am : )
State: a bit excited
Steps Taken: started to disconnect from social networks better than before (though i had to congratulate people for eid) and started really to connect to reality. Since 3 years i stopped phone calling friends to congratulate them for eid and ramadan, not for anything but for getting too busy to call everyone, today I made sure I'm back to my best friends and the old habits :) I spent pretty time with the family, grandparents and auntie, also i achieved a small goal that aligns with the change plan :)
(Though being a happy thing, talking to you was like breaking a rule i didnt want to break, i didnt want you to break it too)
Feeling: hmm.. the guilty, happy, worried, excited, weird mode, that's how the day started, but i loved today with all things achieved, however little or small they are. I'm happy :)
Thought: Shall i make some calls to congratulate some certain people about eid? .. I checked my phone book and I.. tried to pass some names so quickly, however they'll always be taking some of our lives away.. with them.
Concern: I am not really satisfied about the studying part.
(I'm concerned too about our last talk.. I'm afraid, and i have nothing but to pray)
Wish: Tomorrow be truly "Eid" a day that returns happiness and joy to everyone, brings victory to This Ummah, brings blesses, mercy and forgiveness to our souls. I wish for many many things that i couldn't mention in it all in Today's prayers, but I tried to anyway :)
Message: No matter how long we talk, there are always a lot i wish i can tell but just can't, after the last talk i started to consider some old things that i intentionally ignored once, however I still don't want to reach what it lead me to.. if only you talk, directly, things would be much easier, but that's in my dreams i know! #Whatever Enjoy Eid :)
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Day 4: Tuesday the 15th of October, 2013 (أول أيام عيد الأضحى المبارك)
Started @ Fajr Time
State: At My best.. It's My Special Lovely Day :)
Steps Taken: Meeting my school friends after waking them up, is just EID :D that's how it's been always going :)) Calling the rest of my best friends and neighbours, makes it EID as the good old days :))
(Seeing you, hmm.. goes negatively with the whole plan, though it made me feel home)
Feeling: I love the quick development of reconnecting back to my old world and the old me :)
Thought: somehow, eyes don't meet, somehow they lose connection. hmm.. they never had it anyway
Concern: I addicted being around? It just feels so home, but it shouldn't keep going that way..
Wish: to get things stable soon as i need them to be
Message: help me please to get out of this, it's too vague to hold on
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Day 5: Wednesday the 16th of October, 2013
Started before Fajr
State: I want to end this day before it's even getting started
Steps Taken: I'm away right? I'm progressing, somehow, lessening connections, and now losing them coldly, perfect, somehow!
Feeling: It's way down depressing. I hate being back to distractions and i hate the contradictions between what i want and what i need.
Thought: (1) who took me away out of my comfort zone!
(2) addiction is addiction, and to get free it costs, i think the unstable emotions cost is one of the worst, yet a must-happen, getting away from people, that's a double-weapon thing too.
(3) I need to fill the study gap.
(4) for depression times, chocolate is really good but chocolate cakes are just great!
Concern: how long would it take to get back to the safe area?
Wish: having control back before i get totally insane
Message: ...
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Day 6: Thursday, the 17th of October, 2013
Started Late after around 14 hours sleeping
State: All what i can say, that it was hard enough
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Day 7: Friday, the 18th of October, 2013
Started 12:00 am
State: hard then with keeping the push it turns almost normal
Steps Taken: I controlled writing down when i badly needed to, I kept my fingers away from the keyboard, mobile, and even papers! and i didn't talk about it of course, and here when the tipping point took place!
Feeling: much better
Thought: not writing yesterday was really good, controlling some stuff not to be out at once makes a total tipping point for modes and psychological inner state, it's like you push when you think it's your best, then yourself surprises you that it's not your dead end yet and turns to be just perfect after crossing this comfort zone, i forgot what this state is called but it has kind of a name
Concern: what's next?
Wish: you are okay
Message: ...
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Day 8: Saturday, the 19th of October, 2013
It was almost a two-running day
State: better, and by night it was just awesome
Steps Taken: I can admit some rules are broken, yet it was helping facing the whole thing, indirectly directly!
Feeling: much better.. hmm.. i felt asleep out of an inner peace of happiness which rarely happens
Thought: It's complicated that it took me two days late to write it down, seriously thinking to get in the GP that converts mind signals into texts so as i can read your mind :) it's been always a dream to read minds and being invisible, so let's achieve one at least! :D
On the other side, I still don't want to completely be aware of what i think is true, it doesn't make sense, does it? we are mental-wise thinkers more than heart-wise and so we know deeply if we took things that way it won't work, we know us and know our fears, we know it's a disaster types of character match, however perfect friendship it makes, and i know you know, so what's the so complicated? Moreover, we already had stuff, i mean, looking on what put us here now was a totally different thing, i was a matcher =D not anything else, and I won't bear losing a friend for friend... a lot of thoughts filling the pot on both sides, and i'm still ignoring totally yours, if u weren't that over-thinker smart one i'd get things as it seems to be, but looking deep in you it let me think with lots of views about every word that i reach no end at last, maybe it's the thing brought me to think that way is "ignoring", maybe you meant a totally different thing and it's all upside down there, i can't be sure of anything that's what freaks me out honestly! that I don't know
Concern: why am I here, things where easy when that door was shut, i bet you had a better life before getting into this. I'd be always sorry till things get right
Wish: Ya Allah, you're the All-Knowing One, help us fix it out.
Message: The deal is on in all circumstances :)
